Future-ness

Ugh it is 3 am, I can't fall asleep. My brain won't shut the eff up. I've been thinking about my future and what I should do with it. && I think I have come up with a relatively good plan on making it better.

I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.

Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.

If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.

But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.

So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]

The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?

Everything is Fine

Sometimes I love being wrong. :DDDD

He's just being lovely.

Mixed Feelings

I don't know if I should be really happy or upset. Ughhh. =[[

Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\

Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.

I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...

Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)

Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila

Well if u come to the party in Jamestown, NY this Friday and Saturday you'll see for yourself what sexy lingerie I picked out for u! Muah!

19 Oct")) because he's taking my car to work because "he needs to put gas in it" (which means I won't have a car so I can go check up on him)) I didn't hear anything about Tila Tequila until just now..

Nicole Bennett

"Okay so I am really sick of reading shit about Tila Tequila coming to Jamestown. Like really?! She had one show on mtv, and wrote the lamest songs ever. People act like she's fuckin God."

As soon as I read that everything just seemed to make so much more sense. =[[ I know damn well he probably knows about it since he works with a bunch of guys and they read the newspaper...

Amanda Saddler

"there was an article in the newspaper about her and it started out talking about how she was the most popular artist on myspace and then it said, and i quote, "if you weren't online friends with her, you weren't important in the social networking world." lmfao. wtf is that bullshit?!"

I bet you any money it's also the reason his brother keeps calling him.. keep asking him if he's going to see her. I figure that because his brother just recently went to hang out with buffalo cheerleaders in a Jamestown thing. I can't remember where it was taken place but I know he'd definitely be interested in seeing Tila too. I asked Brad what his brother wanted and he'd say he keeps talking about the Giants game.. which doesn't make much sense to me because he never really talks about the Giants game or is really that interested in them, it's definitely not something he'd mention like three different times. He's not even a bills fan.. he likes the dolphins..

I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)

Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.

I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|

Ian

Me: Hello Ian. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about adding you back. =\ I don't understand why you deleted me in the first place so I definitely don't get why you are adding me back now since nothing between us has changed. If you don't like me as a person (which it seemed like) than I'd appreciate it if you deleted me again.

Ian: okay well if assumptions are all im going to get, then i will just delete you again

Me: k.

Lool, can you tell that I just don't give a fuck about him anymore??? lool. Lame. He added me today for like a couple hours before he deleted me again. xD Makes me laughhh. He's like the first person I ever basically told them to their face I don't give a crap about them. Lol, and watch it's probably going to bite me in the ass someday.. I'm sure he'll start some type of rumor or is talking crap behind my back. Oh welllll.

There's only a couple people that I don't give a shit for and Ian is obviously one.

The other would be my cousin Tasha. I am still really bitter about her not attending my baby shower or Kailynn's birthday even though I went to her kids birthday and baby shower. She didn't even visit me at the hospital when I had k, I went to see her at the hospital when she had Cameron. She tried inviting me to her sons birthday this year but I didn't go since I knew most likely she wouldn't go to Kailynn's. I don't really need to tell her I don't like her.. she might already know.. and like Ian I don't even see them around anyways. Letting him know I basically don't give a crap about him anymore just makes it a little bit easier for me if I do see him somewhere in public, to ignore him instead of feeling awkward thinking I should say something or wave to him.

Ian I haven't really considered a good friend anyways since him and Jen talked crap about me in a public chat. I never done anything to him.. so he has no right to give me any type of attitude. That chat was completely unnecessary, he said some mean things that didn't need to be said and had nothing to do with anything that concerned him. He didn't like that I didn't have time to spend with my friends because I just got in a relationship with Brad, when we never hung outside of school to begin with and I had just made plans to do something with Jen. That shit felt so unfair back then.. I wish I could find the document I saved the conversation in.

Anyways him deleting me from Facebook pretty much ended it completely for me. The last straw I guess you could say. He obviously don't care too much for me and I don't need him in my life.

My fears

So... I'm making some polyvore creations and I came across this contest and the theme is Fears... which got me thinking about my fears as of lately.

I would say my biggest fears currently are:

losing Brad (whether I find out he's cheating on me and I break up with him or he just passes away at an early age) Besides loving him immensely I don't think I could stay sane and take care of two kids on my own.

The possibility of having Huntington's. That is definitely something that scares me. I definitely don't like the idea that if I might have it, my children might too. =[

Alex.. I really hope he comes out normal looking and is healthy.. =| Kailynn has body slammed my belly a few times and I worry what that might of done to him. I am also afraid that I won't know how to be a good mother to a little boy.. my goal as a mother to a boy is to make sure that he grows up to respect woman and I'm afraid I will fail that.

and the dark... =| I think I will always be afraid of the dark. I've gotten a little better at it but that's just because I don't give myself time to think of scary things while in the dark. I can usually run through my kitchen with it being dark. If I just got done watching a creepy movie you can forget about it, every light will be turned on in my house.

Danielle

Danielle had her baby already!! =[[ and she has lots of hairrrrrrrrrr! I want my baby outttttttttttttt. If I'm not mistaken I'm pretty sure I was due before her!! >=\ -jealous-

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and my doctor didn't seem too happy about where I am at in my pregnancy =[[ She said he's higher up than she would want.. and she shoved her hand up me and played around with my uterus crap trying to irritate it and get it to start doing crap. That hurt like an effer. She warned that what she was about to do would probably give me cramps and it definitely did. It probably wouldn't of hurt so bad if she didn't have to reach so far in there because he was so high up..

He's probably not low because I don't stand that much unless I'm like at walmart.. like wholy crap we went to Walmart last Friday and I seriously thought he might want to pop out at any time. I was hugely waddling because he was so low and I felt huge and I felt like a huge billboard. Like 5 people commented to me about my pregnancy, either giving me luck or saying something like it's almost time. I was like =| hahahr, thanks. now I must catch up with my husband.

So for now on since I'm not worrying about missing my road test I can pretty much have this baby whenever... I am going to be taking lots of walks and trying to start up the labor. My doctor told me to do some jumping jacks.. I'm not sure if she was serious though. So I don't know if that's something safe that I should do.. lol xD

Ugh. Just get him out of me naturally, k thanks!! I really don't want to be induced or have a c-section.

Playboy

Brad told me today that some chick at his work was featured in a playboy magazine awhile ago.. =\\ and he's interested in looking at it "to see what the big deal is" because a lot of guys at work are talking about it.. humm. Lame.

Upsets me a bit and then he gets mad at me because I commented about it.. like I'm not allowed to say anything. All I said was "your daddy wants to look at some girl that he works with naked" talking to Kailynn because she was trying to get my attention. Sighh, wtf. And then like an hour later he said I love you or something and I was like "even though I'm not a playboy model?" =\\ He got mad at that too.

His Charges

"Bradley E. Anderson, 30, of Jamestown was charged with DWI, DWI per se, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to keep right Sunday at 8:10 p.m. Officers saw a vehicle allegedly fail to stop at a stop sign at the intersection of Prather Avenue and South Main Street. The vehicle turned on to South Main Street and allegedly failed to keep right as it drifted into the oncoming lane. The vehicle was pulled over and according to police, Anderson was found to be driving and intoxicated. He was taken into custody without incident and taken to the city jail pending arraignment."

What a loser. -.- The vehicle was my car.. He said he noticed the cop behind him and got all nervous but he is out now and its good.

He didn't lose his job which I was worried about and they didn't make him go to Mayville and luckily I didn't get the $500 I needed in order to bail him out or else we'd be really screwed for money.. Even though Brad promised to pay it this Thursday that would of meant that our television would of been shut off and he'd have to find another car insurance place because he owes them money.

Speaking of car insurance, the bill is going to go up significantly because of the charges.. -.- He also now has a restricted license..

"Work-Restricted License/Driving Under the Influence

• Work-restricted driver's licenses are usually issued to people who have been convicted of DUI offenses and have lost their driving privileges. Depending on the state, people who are first-time offenders can usually apply for a restricted license that will allow them to travel back and forth to work. Sometimes they are also allowed to go other places, too (for education or addiction recovery purposes).
  People who have work-restricted licenses because of DUI offenses are usually given a time frame by the court. If they stay within the license restrictions and receive no more violations or tickets, they'll be allowed to reapply for a regular driver's license. Depending on the offense, drivers may have to wait anywhere from a few months to several years before being allowed to reapply.
  Drivers who are caught violating the license restrictions face a variety of penalties. Most of the time, drivers lose the restricted license and are barred from reapplying for new ones until a certain amount of time has passed. They may also face fines, incarceration and the permanent loss of driving privileges in that state.
  It is important to note that many states check the status of out-of-state drivers before issuing new drivers' licenses. They will uphold the license restriction or license loss that was imposed on a driver by another state."
  

Blehh, I slept like all day yesterday because I was so concerned for our future and trying to figure out what I should do.. that night I got like 2 hours of sleep.

I ended up telling my grandmother about Brad anyways even though my parents didn't think I should. I hope they are not mad at me.. I don't see why they would be mad at me.. it doesn't really affect them.

I waited outside with my little sisters yesterday morning because my grandmother picks them up to go to school and I didn't have her number. That's when I told her.. and asked her if she had the money to bail him out.. she didn't let me have the money because she thought it was good that he was in there and to teach him a lesson and besides that I guess she never done it for any of her sisters and wouldn't of done it for even my dad if he had ever been pulled over while drinking. She realized that since he was in jail I didn't have anybody to take me to my road test. Stupid me canceled it Sunday night because I couldn't find anyone to take me and totally forgot that my grandmother doesn't work on Mondays and plus I didn't think I was going to tell her about Brad. So she didn't even cross my mind on taking me. I canceled it because I thought I had to give them like 24 hour notice.. but whateverrrrrr. I called dmv and asked them that even though I cancelled my appointment at like 2 am if I could still take it but they said no.. I bet you if I still showed up the person testing me wouldn't of even realized it since I cancelled it so late. >=\ But I wasn't really up for taking the test because I had so much crap in my head.. I don't think I would of been able to really focus during the test.

So now I have a test on November 9, at 11 am.

But alas... he has to go to probation every Friday I believe and some alcohol crap. I think he learned his lesson.