Too Many Questions or Thoughts

Questions that are often going through my mind:

Is he watching porn now?

Why does he love me?

Why does he like my sister?

Is he attracted to me?

Does he think my sister is more attractive?

Has he cheated on me?

Is he really where he says he is/or should be?

Was/is he lying?

What else did he do?

Will I ever be able to trust him completely again?

Will our sex life ever change?

Will I ever stop thinking about ending this relationship?

Should we be together because I have so many trust issues?

What did he mean when he said he wanted to better our relationship?

Was it just something he felt like he should say but didn't really mean it?

On a side note.. Sometimes it's hard for me to care for a relationship I don't feel secure in. =\\

It must be nice to feel secure in a relationship.. he seems to have no worries about me or maybe he just doesn't care because he knows he's not all innocent.


I don't feel appreciated, I feel like I'm taken for granted.


Sometimes I think he's only with me so he doesn't have to pay more child support.

Sometimes I think that I want to lose weight so that I can be sexy for someone else, not Brad.

Sometimes like the sentence prior to this one I want to say something that might lead him to believe there might be someone else just in case he does read this.

Sometimes I wish I could read his brain.. I actually just thought that maybe I should let him read this.. but it's not fair. I'm completely okay with being an open book to him or anyone really but I feel like he's hiding so much from me on a daily basis. I want to know everything too. I wish he would write down every concern or thought about us.

Future-ness

Ugh it is 3 am, I can't fall asleep. My brain won't shut the eff up. I've been thinking about my future and what I should do with it. && I think I have come up with a relatively good plan on making it better.

I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.

Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.

If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.

But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.

So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]

The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?

Everything is Fine

Sometimes I love being wrong. :DDDD

He's just being lovely.

Mixed Feelings

I don't know if I should be really happy or upset. Ughhh. =[[

Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\

Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.

I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...

Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)

Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila

Well if u come to the party in Jamestown, NY this Friday and Saturday you'll see for yourself what sexy lingerie I picked out for u! Muah!

19 Oct")) because he's taking my car to work because "he needs to put gas in it" (which means I won't have a car so I can go check up on him)) I didn't hear anything about Tila Tequila until just now..

Nicole Bennett

"Okay so I am really sick of reading shit about Tila Tequila coming to Jamestown. Like really?! She had one show on mtv, and wrote the lamest songs ever. People act like she's fuckin God."

As soon as I read that everything just seemed to make so much more sense. =[[ I know damn well he probably knows about it since he works with a bunch of guys and they read the newspaper...

Amanda Saddler

"there was an article in the newspaper about her and it started out talking about how she was the most popular artist on myspace and then it said, and i quote, "if you weren't online friends with her, you weren't important in the social networking world." lmfao. wtf is that bullshit?!"

I bet you any money it's also the reason his brother keeps calling him.. keep asking him if he's going to see her. I figure that because his brother just recently went to hang out with buffalo cheerleaders in a Jamestown thing. I can't remember where it was taken place but I know he'd definitely be interested in seeing Tila too. I asked Brad what his brother wanted and he'd say he keeps talking about the Giants game.. which doesn't make much sense to me because he never really talks about the Giants game or is really that interested in them, it's definitely not something he'd mention like three different times. He's not even a bills fan.. he likes the dolphins..

I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)

Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.

I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|

Ian

Me: Hello Ian. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about adding you back. =\ I don't understand why you deleted me in the first place so I definitely don't get why you are adding me back now since nothing between us has changed. If you don't like me as a person (which it seemed like) than I'd appreciate it if you deleted me again.

Ian: okay well if assumptions are all im going to get, then i will just delete you again

Me: k.

Lool, can you tell that I just don't give a fuck about him anymore??? lool. Lame. He added me today for like a couple hours before he deleted me again. xD Makes me laughhh. He's like the first person I ever basically told them to their face I don't give a crap about them. Lol, and watch it's probably going to bite me in the ass someday.. I'm sure he'll start some type of rumor or is talking crap behind my back. Oh welllll.

There's only a couple people that I don't give a shit for and Ian is obviously one.

The other would be my cousin Tasha. I am still really bitter about her not attending my baby shower or Kailynn's birthday even though I went to her kids birthday and baby shower. She didn't even visit me at the hospital when I had k, I went to see her at the hospital when she had Cameron. She tried inviting me to her sons birthday this year but I didn't go since I knew most likely she wouldn't go to Kailynn's. I don't really need to tell her I don't like her.. she might already know.. and like Ian I don't even see them around anyways. Letting him know I basically don't give a crap about him anymore just makes it a little bit easier for me if I do see him somewhere in public, to ignore him instead of feeling awkward thinking I should say something or wave to him.

Ian I haven't really considered a good friend anyways since him and Jen talked crap about me in a public chat. I never done anything to him.. so he has no right to give me any type of attitude. That chat was completely unnecessary, he said some mean things that didn't need to be said and had nothing to do with anything that concerned him. He didn't like that I didn't have time to spend with my friends because I just got in a relationship with Brad, when we never hung outside of school to begin with and I had just made plans to do something with Jen. That shit felt so unfair back then.. I wish I could find the document I saved the conversation in.

Anyways him deleting me from Facebook pretty much ended it completely for me. The last straw I guess you could say. He obviously don't care too much for me and I don't need him in my life.