Mixed Feelings

I don't know if I should be really happy or upset. Ughhh. =[[

Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\

Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.

I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...

Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)

Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila

Well if u come to the party in Jamestown, NY this Friday and Saturday you'll see for yourself what sexy lingerie I picked out for u! Muah!

19 Oct")) because he's taking my car to work because "he needs to put gas in it" (which means I won't have a car so I can go check up on him)) I didn't hear anything about Tila Tequila until just now..

Nicole Bennett

"Okay so I am really sick of reading shit about Tila Tequila coming to Jamestown. Like really?! She had one show on mtv, and wrote the lamest songs ever. People act like she's fuckin God."

As soon as I read that everything just seemed to make so much more sense. =[[ I know damn well he probably knows about it since he works with a bunch of guys and they read the newspaper...

Amanda Saddler

"there was an article in the newspaper about her and it started out talking about how she was the most popular artist on myspace and then it said, and i quote, "if you weren't online friends with her, you weren't important in the social networking world." lmfao. wtf is that bullshit?!"

I bet you any money it's also the reason his brother keeps calling him.. keep asking him if he's going to see her. I figure that because his brother just recently went to hang out with buffalo cheerleaders in a Jamestown thing. I can't remember where it was taken place but I know he'd definitely be interested in seeing Tila too. I asked Brad what his brother wanted and he'd say he keeps talking about the Giants game.. which doesn't make much sense to me because he never really talks about the Giants game or is really that interested in them, it's definitely not something he'd mention like three different times. He's not even a bills fan.. he likes the dolphins..

I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)

Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.

I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|