So it feels like I have a lot to say lately.. =||
Humm, I am enjoying writing in here again though.
Oh memoriess being written is kinda lovely.
I am back to loving life, it's amazing what talking can dooo. Me and Brad cuddled and napped together a little bit yesterday, that was hugely lovely. A few days ago I climbed on top of him and we kissed all passionately (usually we just give each other lame goodbye peck kisses) and he got hard. It was supposed to be just a goodnight kiss. xD That drove me nuts since I had to leave him knowing "thattt" and I've been craving sex for like everrr and I had to be a good little girl and climb into my lonely recliner so that I and Alex don't wake him and Kailynn all night. I wasn't allowed to have sex yet too because it wasn't 6 weeks after I had Alex. Hum, =] Brad bought condomss for us today. Tehehehahar.
Ughh, I am just loving life so much right noww. I feel like I can just be myselffff and be happy being myself. I don't care what others think about me. I already have my hubby, I don't need to please anyone else. I did my nails all pretty todayyy, for some reason that makes me really happy. They are pink and black. Brad hasn't yelled at me for anything stupid since our fight on Sundayy. We both are in way better moods, like we can just laugh stupid things off instead of getting annoyed. We played Mortal Combat, that was fun. <3 He beat me three times, though I did win one round.
This strange thought came to my mind today.. I was wondering if there is a God, if maybe he is rewarding me kinda for not committing suicide back when I really wanted to. Back when my mother abused me daily and I was picked on at school. Like life just seems to be running really smoothly for me, even after the big fights me and Brad have. It's just my own thoughts that make it hard for me to not fight with Brad.
I feel so lucky to have him and my kids, they are perfect. He was so easy to find, I didn't have to go on a million dates to find the right one. And he gave me the most perfect kids.
I'm lucky to have my friend that I can trust with anything.
If I wasn't still alive I would never know that I can almost forgive my mom for everything and that we could get along and I am really grateful for that.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
=[ Fix Your Blog Jennnnn!!
Blog has been removed
Sorry, the blog at jeninolol.blogspot.com has been removed. This address is not available for new blogs.
Did you expect to see your blog here? See: 'I can't find my blog on the Web, where is it?'
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Another Talk
Well, we had another one of our talks.. and I'm feeling better about our relationship again.
Now I just wish the relationship was more stable. I'm getting frustrated with these 'roller coaster' emotions. One moment I'm so upset with him I'm convinced I want to end the relationship right then and there, the next we have one of these talks and everything is fine. Grrr.
The most important thing is that I do feel more secure in this relationship.
Now I just wish the relationship was more stable. I'm getting frustrated with these 'roller coaster' emotions. One moment I'm so upset with him I'm convinced I want to end the relationship right then and there, the next we have one of these talks and everything is fine. Grrr.
The most important thing is that I do feel more secure in this relationship.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Stupid Hoodie
I just need to tell myself that sex isn't everything, I guess. Or maybe just love.. Love isn't everything.
He might love me but he's definitely not good at showing it most of the time. It sucks because there's really only like a few days I ever feel loved and I feel like that's just to keep me around for a little bit longer.
Most of the time he yells at me for stupid reasons. Almost everyday. Makes me wonder why he even likes me if there's so many reasons to yell at me.
A couple days ago he yelled at me for wearing his hoodie. I got so upset. He didn't want me to get it dirty or get cat hair on it... made me feel like he thinks I'm a scumbag or something. I felt like he didn't like me at all, almost disgusted by me, why was it so important to get me out of that hoodie? Like really? It's not hard to throw it in the washer. Way to make a girl feel unloved.
Every girl likes to wear their significant other's hoodie, so it broke my heart. I guess I am only allowed to wear his crap if I've gained 30 lbs because I have a baby growing inside me and can't fit into any of my own clothes. He didn't say that but that's what I get from it.
So I guess I will make sure I never make that mistake ever again, even if it breaks my heart. I will never ask to wear anything of his anymore, even if I'm freezing.
I was wearing it because it was the first thing I saw and I wanted to go outside to talk to my dad. When I got back inside Alex was crying.. the first thing I thought about was to look for a bottle so that I could feed him.. not take off a stupid hoodie.
He might love me but he's definitely not good at showing it most of the time. It sucks because there's really only like a few days I ever feel loved and I feel like that's just to keep me around for a little bit longer.
Most of the time he yells at me for stupid reasons. Almost everyday. Makes me wonder why he even likes me if there's so many reasons to yell at me.
A couple days ago he yelled at me for wearing his hoodie. I got so upset. He didn't want me to get it dirty or get cat hair on it... made me feel like he thinks I'm a scumbag or something. I felt like he didn't like me at all, almost disgusted by me, why was it so important to get me out of that hoodie? Like really? It's not hard to throw it in the washer. Way to make a girl feel unloved.
Every girl likes to wear their significant other's hoodie, so it broke my heart. I guess I am only allowed to wear his crap if I've gained 30 lbs because I have a baby growing inside me and can't fit into any of my own clothes. He didn't say that but that's what I get from it.
So I guess I will make sure I never make that mistake ever again, even if it breaks my heart. I will never ask to wear anything of his anymore, even if I'm freezing.
I was wearing it because it was the first thing I saw and I wanted to go outside to talk to my dad. When I got back inside Alex was crying.. the first thing I thought about was to look for a bottle so that I could feed him.. not take off a stupid hoodie.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Too Many Questions or Thoughts
Questions that are often going through my mind:
Is he watching porn now?
Why does he love me?
Why does he like my sister?
Is he attracted to me?
Does he think my sister is more attractive?
Has he cheated on me?
Is he really where he says he is/or should be?
Was/is he lying?
What else did he do?
Will I ever be able to trust him completely again?
Will our sex life ever change?
Will I ever stop thinking about ending this relationship?
Should we be together because I have so many trust issues?
What did he mean when he said he wanted to better our relationship?
Was it just something he felt like he should say but didn't really mean it?
On a side note.. Sometimes it's hard for me to care for a relationship I don't feel secure in. =\\
It must be nice to feel secure in a relationship.. he seems to have no worries about me or maybe he just doesn't care because he knows he's not all innocent.
I don't feel appreciated, I feel like I'm taken for granted.
Sometimes I think he's only with me so he doesn't have to pay more child support.
Sometimes I think that I want to lose weight so that I can be sexy for someone else, not Brad.
Sometimes like the sentence prior to this one I want to say something that might lead him to believe there might be someone else just in case he does read this.
Sometimes I wish I could read his brain.. I actually just thought that maybe I should let him read this.. but it's not fair. I'm completely okay with being an open book to him or anyone really but I feel like he's hiding so much from me on a daily basis. I want to know everything too. I wish he would write down every concern or thought about us.
Is he watching porn now?
Why does he love me?
Why does he like my sister?
Is he attracted to me?
Does he think my sister is more attractive?
Has he cheated on me?
Is he really where he says he is/or should be?
Was/is he lying?
What else did he do?
Will I ever be able to trust him completely again?
Will our sex life ever change?
Will I ever stop thinking about ending this relationship?
Should we be together because I have so many trust issues?
What did he mean when he said he wanted to better our relationship?
Was it just something he felt like he should say but didn't really mean it?
On a side note.. Sometimes it's hard for me to care for a relationship I don't feel secure in. =\\
It must be nice to feel secure in a relationship.. he seems to have no worries about me or maybe he just doesn't care because he knows he's not all innocent.
I don't feel appreciated, I feel like I'm taken for granted.
Sometimes I think he's only with me so he doesn't have to pay more child support.
Sometimes I think that I want to lose weight so that I can be sexy for someone else, not Brad.
Sometimes like the sentence prior to this one I want to say something that might lead him to believe there might be someone else just in case he does read this.
Sometimes I wish I could read his brain.. I actually just thought that maybe I should let him read this.. but it's not fair. I'm completely okay with being an open book to him or anyone really but I feel like he's hiding so much from me on a daily basis. I want to know everything too. I wish he would write down every concern or thought about us.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Future-ness
Ugh it is 3 am, I can't fall asleep. My brain won't shut the eff up. I've been thinking about my future and what I should do with it. && I think I have come up with a relatively good plan on making it better.
I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.
Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.
If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.
But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.
So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]
The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?
I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.
Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.
If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.
But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.
So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]
The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?
Friday, October 21, 2011
Mixed Feelings
I don't know if I should be really happy or upset. Ughhh. =[[
Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\
Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.
I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...
Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)
Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila
Nicole Bennett
I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)
Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.
I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|
Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\
Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.
I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...
Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)
Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila
Well if u come to the party in Jamestown, NY this Friday and Saturday you'll see for yourself what sexy lingerie I picked out for u! Muah!")) because he's taking my car to work because "he needs to put gas in it" (which means I won't have a car so I can go check up on him)) I didn't hear anything about Tila Tequila until just now..
Nicole Bennett
"Amanda Saddler
"there was an article in the newspaper about her and it started out talking about how she was the most popular artist on myspace and then it said, and i quote, "if you weren't online friends with her, you weren't important in the social networking world." lmfao. wtf is that bullshit?!"
I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)
Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.
I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|
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