My fears

So... I'm making some polyvore creations and I came across this contest and the theme is Fears... which got me thinking about my fears as of lately.

I would say my biggest fears currently are:

losing Brad (whether I find out he's cheating on me and I break up with him or he just passes away at an early age) Besides loving him immensely I don't think I could stay sane and take care of two kids on my own.

The possibility of having Huntington's. That is definitely something that scares me. I definitely don't like the idea that if I might have it, my children might too. =[

Alex.. I really hope he comes out normal looking and is healthy.. =| Kailynn has body slammed my belly a few times and I worry what that might of done to him. I am also afraid that I won't know how to be a good mother to a little boy.. my goal as a mother to a boy is to make sure that he grows up to respect woman and I'm afraid I will fail that.

and the dark... =| I think I will always be afraid of the dark. I've gotten a little better at it but that's just because I don't give myself time to think of scary things while in the dark. I can usually run through my kitchen with it being dark. If I just got done watching a creepy movie you can forget about it, every light will be turned on in my house.

Danielle

Danielle had her baby already!! =[[ and she has lots of hairrrrrrrrrr! I want my baby outttttttttttttt. If I'm not mistaken I'm pretty sure I was due before her!! >=\ -jealous-

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and my doctor didn't seem too happy about where I am at in my pregnancy =[[ She said he's higher up than she would want.. and she shoved her hand up me and played around with my uterus crap trying to irritate it and get it to start doing crap. That hurt like an effer. She warned that what she was about to do would probably give me cramps and it definitely did. It probably wouldn't of hurt so bad if she didn't have to reach so far in there because he was so high up..

He's probably not low because I don't stand that much unless I'm like at walmart.. like wholy crap we went to Walmart last Friday and I seriously thought he might want to pop out at any time. I was hugely waddling because he was so low and I felt huge and I felt like a huge billboard. Like 5 people commented to me about my pregnancy, either giving me luck or saying something like it's almost time. I was like =| hahahr, thanks. now I must catch up with my husband.

So for now on since I'm not worrying about missing my road test I can pretty much have this baby whenever... I am going to be taking lots of walks and trying to start up the labor. My doctor told me to do some jumping jacks.. I'm not sure if she was serious though. So I don't know if that's something safe that I should do.. lol xD

Ugh. Just get him out of me naturally, k thanks!! I really don't want to be induced or have a c-section.

Playboy

Brad told me today that some chick at his work was featured in a playboy magazine awhile ago.. =\\ and he's interested in looking at it "to see what the big deal is" because a lot of guys at work are talking about it.. humm. Lame.

Upsets me a bit and then he gets mad at me because I commented about it.. like I'm not allowed to say anything. All I said was "your daddy wants to look at some girl that he works with naked" talking to Kailynn because she was trying to get my attention. Sighh, wtf. And then like an hour later he said I love you or something and I was like "even though I'm not a playboy model?" =\\ He got mad at that too.

His Charges

"Bradley E. Anderson, 30, of Jamestown was charged with DWI, DWI per se, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to keep right Sunday at 8:10 p.m. Officers saw a vehicle allegedly fail to stop at a stop sign at the intersection of Prather Avenue and South Main Street. The vehicle turned on to South Main Street and allegedly failed to keep right as it drifted into the oncoming lane. The vehicle was pulled over and according to police, Anderson was found to be driving and intoxicated. He was taken into custody without incident and taken to the city jail pending arraignment."

What a loser. -.- The vehicle was my car.. He said he noticed the cop behind him and got all nervous but he is out now and its good.

He didn't lose his job which I was worried about and they didn't make him go to Mayville and luckily I didn't get the $500 I needed in order to bail him out or else we'd be really screwed for money.. Even though Brad promised to pay it this Thursday that would of meant that our television would of been shut off and he'd have to find another car insurance place because he owes them money.

Speaking of car insurance, the bill is going to go up significantly because of the charges.. -.- He also now has a restricted license..

"Work-Restricted License/Driving Under the Influence

• Work-restricted driver's licenses are usually issued to people who have been convicted of DUI offenses and have lost their driving privileges. Depending on the state, people who are first-time offenders can usually apply for a restricted license that will allow them to travel back and forth to work. Sometimes they are also allowed to go other places, too (for education or addiction recovery purposes).
  People who have work-restricted licenses because of DUI offenses are usually given a time frame by the court. If they stay within the license restrictions and receive no more violations or tickets, they'll be allowed to reapply for a regular driver's license. Depending on the offense, drivers may have to wait anywhere from a few months to several years before being allowed to reapply.
  Drivers who are caught violating the license restrictions face a variety of penalties. Most of the time, drivers lose the restricted license and are barred from reapplying for new ones until a certain amount of time has passed. They may also face fines, incarceration and the permanent loss of driving privileges in that state.
  It is important to note that many states check the status of out-of-state drivers before issuing new drivers' licenses. They will uphold the license restriction or license loss that was imposed on a driver by another state."
  

Blehh, I slept like all day yesterday because I was so concerned for our future and trying to figure out what I should do.. that night I got like 2 hours of sleep.

I ended up telling my grandmother about Brad anyways even though my parents didn't think I should. I hope they are not mad at me.. I don't see why they would be mad at me.. it doesn't really affect them.

I waited outside with my little sisters yesterday morning because my grandmother picks them up to go to school and I didn't have her number. That's when I told her.. and asked her if she had the money to bail him out.. she didn't let me have the money because she thought it was good that he was in there and to teach him a lesson and besides that I guess she never done it for any of her sisters and wouldn't of done it for even my dad if he had ever been pulled over while drinking. She realized that since he was in jail I didn't have anybody to take me to my road test. Stupid me canceled it Sunday night because I couldn't find anyone to take me and totally forgot that my grandmother doesn't work on Mondays and plus I didn't think I was going to tell her about Brad. So she didn't even cross my mind on taking me. I canceled it because I thought I had to give them like 24 hour notice.. but whateverrrrrr. I called dmv and asked them that even though I cancelled my appointment at like 2 am if I could still take it but they said no.. I bet you if I still showed up the person testing me wouldn't of even realized it since I cancelled it so late. >=\ But I wasn't really up for taking the test because I had so much crap in my head.. I don't think I would of been able to really focus during the test.

So now I have a test on November 9, at 11 am.

But alas... he has to go to probation every Friday I believe and some alcohol crap. I think he learned his lesson.

Brad Goes To Jail

Worst day ever.. well it was good for the most part until like a hour ago.. =[[[

Brad is in jail for either dui or dwi.. I'm not sure.. Sigh.. I can't believe it.. that screws us in more ways than one. One, we definitely don't have any money to bail him out.. I'm not even sure how much bail is going to cost (just found out it's $500, which isn't that bad but still don't have it).. don't know where we could get the money.. definitely don't think I should ask Brad's stepdad because we'll never hear the end of it. (Brad called him anyways and he said he could come up with half) I'm waiting for a call from Brad hopefully.. not sure if he's going to call me or someone else. But I'm keeping my cell nice and close so I don't miss it if he doessssssss. I'm not sure if it's only one call a day or if that's just a tv thing. Ughhhh, two, tomorrow is my effing road test.. which I won't be able to go to if I don't find someone with a license that can take me. Three, what if he's in jail for a long time and isn't here for the birth of this baby???

Ew, so while typing this Brad called me, that's what the orange text is.. things that I learned.. If I had $500 I could bail him out right now but it kinda doesn't even seem like he learned his lesson so I kinda want him to be in there a little bit longer and think about what he's done but I need him to be homeeeeeeeeeeeee. =| What a fucktard. He kept saying shit happens. Like.. oh well. >=\ I don't know what to doooooooooooooo. Roaroaro.

Family Birth Months

Just in case I decide to get a tattoo based on this kind of information.

Kailynn: August

August Birth Flower
The August Birth Flower is the Gladiolus

Meaning of the August Birth Flower:
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Leo - July 23 - August 23

August Birthstone: The Peridot

Characteristics of Leo : Honest, Generous, Self-motivated, Warm-hearted & Enthusiastic

The Meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character.

The Hidden message of August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the Gladiolus, so favored during the Victorian era was "Love at first sight".

Colors of the Gladiolus

The colors of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus, include the following:

• Pink

• Red

• White

• Yellow

• Orange

Alex: September

September Birth Flower
The September Birth Flower is the Aster

Meaning of the September Birth Flower:
The meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster is Love, Faith, Wisdom and symbolizes Valor

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Virgo - August 24 - September 22 (might have to change this if he comes later than September 22)

September Birthstone: The Sapphire

Characteristics of Virgo :
Orderly, Modest, Diligent, Analytical & Self-sufficient

The Meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster
The meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster is Love, Faith, Wisdom and symbolizes Valor.

The Hidden message of September Birth Flower, the Aster
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the aster, so favored during the Victorian era was "Take care of yourself for me".

Colors of the Aster

The colors of the September Birth Flower, the Aster, include the following:

• Pink

• Red

• White

• Lilac

• Mauve

Me: December

December Birth Flower
The December Birth Flower is the Narcissus

Meaning of the December Birth Flower:
The meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus is respect, modesty and faithfulness

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Sagittarius - November 22 - December 21

December Birthstone: The Turquoise

Characteristics of Sagittarius :
Ethical, Humorous, Generous, Dynamic & Compassionate

The Meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus
The meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus is respect, modesty and faithfulness.

The Hidden message of December Birth Flower, the Narcissus
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the Narcissus, so favored during the Victorian era varied "You're the Only One".

Colors of the Narcissus

The colors of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus, include the following:

• White

• Yellow

• Orange

Brad: March

March Birth Flower
The March Birth Flower is the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)

Meaning of the March Birth Flower: The meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus) is friendship and domestic happiness

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Pisces - February 19 - March 20

March Birthstone: The Aquamarine

Characteristics of Pisces :
Romantic, Generous, Receptive, Honest & Affectionate

The Meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)
The meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus) is friendship and domestic happiness.

The Hidden message of March Birth Flower, the Jonquil
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the jonquil, so favored during the Victorian era was "You are an angel".

Colors of the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)

The colors of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus), include the following:

• White

• Yellow

• Orange

Lovee

Sigh, this relationship is kinda confusingggggg. Grah. I love him so much sometimes. I don't think he means to hurt my feelings when it comes to not having sex.. I don't know. I just want that connection sometimesss and I get jealous of porn.

But he has been super nice to me the last couple days... and we just had a really long good conversation in the kitchen about a whole bunch of random crap. He told me that he doesn't feel very loved by me.. which confused me and kinda made me upset because it made me feel bad... I thought I made it clear that I loved him but I guess not. <3 He almost seemed to choke up a little when he told me that... so cute of him.

&& Yesterday he sent me a couple really cute messages. <3<3<3<3

"I love u so very very much just wanted to let u know i was thinkin bout u at 545 this morning :)" Tue, Sep 6 5:46 am

"If only you knew how much i love you!!!!! :):):):):):):):)!!!!<3"
Tue, Sep 6 8:05 am

That's exactly what they read... I counted all the smilies and exclamation marks.

Days like this make me feel like the luckiest girl to have him but like there's still things missing in the relationship and I think he finally realizes it too because in our conversation he was thinking of ways to improve our relationship... it was super nice..

Ughh I am like fighting back tears because I'm so happy that we talked.

Doctorsssss

Went to the doctors today. It's that time of pregnancy when you see the doctor once a week. But yess, there was a new nurse lady I never seen there. She was super pretty. Perfect blonde hair... I wanted to ask her so bad how her hair is so perfect, I hate mine. It's so frizzy and gross. Reminded me kinda of Nicole Bennett's. I've always thought her hair is perfect...

I also gained almost another three pounds. Yes, I gained 3 pounds in a week.. Ugh. I weighed 164.8 >=\\ This baby better be huge but not too huge so that I have a hard time pushing him out... and I better lose like ten pounds as soon as he pops out. Hopefully at least 7 pounds of him (K was like 7.2 pounds when she was born), a few pounds of water crap and placenta.

Doctor said I have gained more weight with this baby than I did for Kailynn. 32 pounds for K, and 35 pounds for him so far. Blehhhhhh. It's strange I don't think I look like I'm bigger than I was for Kailynn.

She also told me that she had two girls give birth this last weekend and they went really fast, also I guess one was a boy and one was a girl. She barely made it on time to help deliver.. =| I hope she isn't late for mine.

Humm, I didn't have her look to see if I've dilated anymore.. She gave me the option.. and I rather not have her shoving her hand inside me if it's not needed. It really hurt when she did it.. probably because I haven't had sex in forever. Last week she did it because she had to do a strep test on me. Last week I was only like a finger tip dilated. I probably should have had her check because I've been getting some intense cramps. I really think if I went for a walk the baby would pop out really soon.. even though I kinda want to do that, I also don't because my road test is the 12th and who knows if I'll be out of hospital by then. =\\\

Same Old Thing

I was going to post this on notemine but since I wiped clean my laptop because it wouldn't work I don't have the document for all the color blocks I need. It's in my hard drive but I don't feel like going to get it.

I guess I will write more than just being depressed since I have more room.

I swear I probably wrote something similar to this like 3 other times.. =[[ I'm so lame.

I am kinda depressed. =[[ As usual. I really shouldn't have anymore kids. I get so depressed because I'm huge and Brad barely gives me any sexual attention. We haven't had sex for a few months now and I deffinitely don't expect any, any time soon because Brad is too afraid it's going to induce labor and he rather the baby be late than early. Plus you are not allowed to have sex, exercise, or use tampons for 6 weeks after you have a baby. You bleed a whole lot anyways so sex would be kinda disgusting but I am still craving sexual attention... He didn't even give me a kiss just now before he left to take Devin home.. which he usually does. =[[ That's like barely even sexual but at least I get a little something.

My body image definitely depresses me and just makes me want to become anorexic because I am pretty sure that is why Brad won't have sex with me.. and rather use porn. I hate that porn is getting way more attention than me. ='''[[ He watches it multiple times of the day so I know he craves sex too.. just not with me.

I almost hate myself because I blame myself for the way I appear. I don't feel the least bit pretty and I don't think I will feel pretty until I'm at least 120... currently I weight 162... =[[ It's the highest I've ever been and I don't see myself loosing that weight until the weather is back to being nice so that's even more depressing because I can't get rid of the weight as fast as I would like too... I wish I lived down south so I could go out running all year long... and not have to worry about the stupid snow.

I really do hate myself, I can't stop thinking about all the things I hate about myself. I have no confidence what so ever. I cry wayyyyyyy to much. I hate how easy it is for me to cry now and it's not only because of my pregnancy.

Like yesterday. I don't know why I ask stupid questions. We were watching Chuck & Larry the movie... Larry has a son that can do splits. I was sitting next to Brad indian style like and Brad started pushing my leg down to see how far I can go and he then told me that he told me how he would like it if I could do a split. Than the conversation turned into talking about flexibility. So stupid me asked if he had ever had sex with someone that was really flexible. Of course it just had to be Janelle and of course he had to go into more detail than I wanted. So I got upset.. Janelle just seems to be like his little sex goddess. Really flexible, likes to talk dirty and she and him had a threesome together..

She seems almost nothing like me and that makes me upset because I know he'd prefer that and if I wanted to satisfy him I'd have to change myself like hugely. I just want to be myself and be comfortable. =[[[ I definitely don't come close to any of the girls he watches in pornos.

I don't know what to do with myself.. I hate that I want to change myself just to satisfy him.. but it's the only way that I am going to be happy.. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!

I think losing weight will help a lot with my depression.. I don't know. At least maybe I can attract other guys and won't feel so worthless.

Stressssssss x's a million.

Stressing about not being ready for baby and Brad is being an ass. =| Roar, I'm tired of it. If he had it his way we would only have one onesie for him.. that's the only item of clothing he's bought and he thinks that's perfectly fine. Luckily I was able to scrape some money to buy him a few things. =\\ Besides the onesie, he bought a car seat/stroller combo, a box of diapers, and a mattress.. That's it. We still have no blankets for him, no bed set, no mobile, no toys, no sheets, or a bed. We have a bassinet that we can use for a couple months.. We have bottles, a walker and a swing that he could use that we used for Kailynn but that's like it.. a handful of clothes and a couple things to use when he gets a bit older.