I was going to post this on notemine but since I wiped clean my laptop because it wouldn't work I don't have the document for all the color blocks I need. It's in my hard drive but I don't feel like going to get it.
I guess I will write more than just being depressed since I have more room.
I swear I probably wrote something similar to this like 3 other times.. =[[ I'm so lame.
I am kinda depressed. =[[ As usual. I really shouldn't have anymore kids. I get so depressed because I'm huge and Brad barely gives me any sexual attention. We haven't had sex for a few months now and I deffinitely don't expect any, any time soon because Brad is too afraid it's going to induce labor and he rather the baby be late than early. Plus you are not allowed to have sex, exercise, or use tampons for 6 weeks after you have a baby. You bleed a whole lot anyways so sex would be kinda disgusting but I am still craving sexual attention... He didn't even give me a kiss just now before he left to take Devin home.. which he usually does. =[[ That's like barely even sexual but at least I get a little something.
My body image definitely depresses me and just makes me want to become anorexic because I am pretty sure that is why Brad won't have sex with me.. and rather use porn. I hate that porn is getting way more attention than me. ='''[[ He watches it multiple times of the day so I know he craves sex too.. just not with me.
I almost hate myself because I blame myself for the way I appear. I don't feel the least bit pretty and I don't think I will feel pretty until I'm at least 120... currently I weight 162... =[[ It's the highest I've ever been and I don't see myself loosing that weight until the weather is back to being nice so that's even more depressing because I can't get rid of the weight as fast as I would like too... I wish I lived down south so I could go out running all year long... and not have to worry about the stupid snow.
I really do hate myself, I can't stop thinking about all the things I hate about myself. I have no confidence what so ever. I cry wayyyyyyy to much. I hate how easy it is for me to cry now and it's not only because of my pregnancy.
Like yesterday. I don't know why I ask stupid questions. We were watching Chuck & Larry the movie... Larry has a son that can do splits. I was sitting next to Brad indian style like and Brad started pushing my leg down to see how far I can go and he then told me that he told me how he would like it if I could do a split. Than the conversation turned into talking about flexibility. So stupid me asked if he had ever had sex with someone that was really flexible. Of course it just had to be Janelle and of course he had to go into more detail than I wanted. So I got upset.. Janelle just seems to be like his little sex goddess. Really flexible, likes to talk dirty and she and him had a threesome together..
She seems almost nothing like me and that makes me upset because I know he'd prefer that and if I wanted to satisfy him I'd have to change myself like hugely. I just want to be myself and be comfortable. =[[[ I definitely don't come close to any of the girls he watches in pornos.
I don't know what to do with myself.. I hate that I want to change myself just to satisfy him.. but it's the only way that I am going to be happy.. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!
I think losing weight will help a lot with my depression.. I don't know. At least maybe I can attract other guys and won't feel so worthless.
I guess I will write more than just being depressed since I have more room.
I swear I probably wrote something similar to this like 3 other times.. =[[ I'm so lame.
I am kinda depressed. =[[ As usual. I really shouldn't have anymore kids. I get so depressed because I'm huge and Brad barely gives me any sexual attention. We haven't had sex for a few months now and I deffinitely don't expect any, any time soon because Brad is too afraid it's going to induce labor and he rather the baby be late than early. Plus you are not allowed to have sex, exercise, or use tampons for 6 weeks after you have a baby. You bleed a whole lot anyways so sex would be kinda disgusting but I am still craving sexual attention... He didn't even give me a kiss just now before he left to take Devin home.. which he usually does. =[[ That's like barely even sexual but at least I get a little something.
My body image definitely depresses me and just makes me want to become anorexic because I am pretty sure that is why Brad won't have sex with me.. and rather use porn. I hate that porn is getting way more attention than me. ='''[[ He watches it multiple times of the day so I know he craves sex too.. just not with me.
I almost hate myself because I blame myself for the way I appear. I don't feel the least bit pretty and I don't think I will feel pretty until I'm at least 120... currently I weight 162... =[[ It's the highest I've ever been and I don't see myself loosing that weight until the weather is back to being nice so that's even more depressing because I can't get rid of the weight as fast as I would like too... I wish I lived down south so I could go out running all year long... and not have to worry about the stupid snow.
I really do hate myself, I can't stop thinking about all the things I hate about myself. I have no confidence what so ever. I cry wayyyyyyy to much. I hate how easy it is for me to cry now and it's not only because of my pregnancy.
Like yesterday. I don't know why I ask stupid questions. We were watching Chuck & Larry the movie... Larry has a son that can do splits. I was sitting next to Brad indian style like and Brad started pushing my leg down to see how far I can go and he then told me that he told me how he would like it if I could do a split. Than the conversation turned into talking about flexibility. So stupid me asked if he had ever had sex with someone that was really flexible. Of course it just had to be Janelle and of course he had to go into more detail than I wanted. So I got upset.. Janelle just seems to be like his little sex goddess. Really flexible, likes to talk dirty and she and him had a threesome together..
She seems almost nothing like me and that makes me upset because I know he'd prefer that and if I wanted to satisfy him I'd have to change myself like hugely. I just want to be myself and be comfortable. =[[[ I definitely don't come close to any of the girls he watches in pornos.
I don't know what to do with myself.. I hate that I want to change myself just to satisfy him.. but it's the only way that I am going to be happy.. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!
I think losing weight will help a lot with my depression.. I don't know. At least maybe I can attract other guys and won't feel so worthless.
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