I love my hubby, I love my kids.

So it feels like I have a lot to say lately.. =||

Humm, I am enjoying writing in here again though.

Oh memoriess being written is kinda lovely.

I am back to loving life, it's amazing what talking can dooo. Me and Brad cuddled and napped together a little bit yesterday, that was hugely lovely. A few days ago I climbed on top of him and we kissed all passionately (usually we just give each other lame goodbye peck kisses) and he got hard. It was supposed to be just a goodnight kiss. xD That drove me nuts since I had to leave him knowing "thattt" and I've been craving sex for like everrr and I had to be a good little girl and climb into my lonely recliner so that I and Alex don't wake him and Kailynn all night. I wasn't allowed to have sex yet too because it wasn't 6 weeks after I had Alex. Hum, =] Brad bought condomss for us today. Tehehehahar.

Ughh, I am just loving life so much right noww. I feel like I can just be myselffff and be happy being myself. I don't care what others think about me. I already have my hubby, I don't need to please anyone else. I did my nails all pretty todayyy, for some reason that makes me really happy. They are pink and black. Brad hasn't yelled at me for anything stupid since our fight on Sundayy. We both are in way better moods, like we can just laugh stupid things off instead of getting annoyed. We played Mortal Combat, that was fun. <3 He beat me three times, though I did win one round.

This strange thought came to my mind today.. I was wondering if there is a God, if maybe he is rewarding me kinda for not committing suicide back when I really wanted to. Back when my mother abused me daily and I was picked on at school. Like life just seems to be running really smoothly for me, even after the big fights me and Brad have. It's just my own thoughts that make it hard for me to not fight with Brad.

I feel so lucky to have him and my kids, they are perfect. He was so easy to find, I didn't have to go on a million dates to find the right one. And he gave me the most perfect kids.

I'm lucky to have my friend that I can trust with anything.

If I wasn't still alive I would never know that I can almost forgive my mom for everything and that we could get along and I am really grateful for that.

=[ Fix Your Blog Jennnnn!!

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Another Talk

Well, we had another one of our talks.. and I'm feeling better about our relationship again.

Now I just wish the relationship was more stable. I'm getting frustrated with these 'roller coaster' emotions. One moment I'm so upset with him I'm convinced I want to end the relationship right then and there, the next we have one of these talks and everything is fine. Grrr.

The most important thing is that I do feel more secure in this relationship.

Stupid Hoodie

I just need to tell myself that sex isn't everything, I guess. Or maybe just love.. Love isn't everything.

He might love me but he's definitely not good at showing it most of the time. It sucks because there's really only like a few days I ever feel loved and I feel like that's just to keep me around for a little bit longer.

Most of the time he yells at me for stupid reasons. Almost everyday. Makes me wonder why he even likes me if there's so many reasons to yell at me.

A couple days ago he yelled at me for wearing his hoodie. I got so upset. He didn't want me to get it dirty or get cat hair on it... made me feel like he thinks I'm a scumbag or something. I felt like he didn't like me at all, almost disgusted by me, why was it so important to get me out of that hoodie? Like really? It's not hard to throw it in the washer. Way to make a girl feel unloved.

Every girl likes to wear their significant other's hoodie, so it broke my heart. I guess I am only allowed to wear his crap if I've gained 30 lbs because I have a baby growing inside me and can't fit into any of my own clothes. He didn't say that but that's what I get from it.

So I guess I will make sure I never make that mistake ever again, even if it breaks my heart. I will never ask to wear anything of his anymore, even if I'm freezing.

I was wearing it because it was the first thing I saw and I wanted to go outside to talk to my dad. When I got back inside Alex was crying.. the first thing I thought about was to look for a bottle so that I could feed him.. not take off a stupid hoodie.

Too Many Questions or Thoughts

Questions that are often going through my mind:

Is he watching porn now?

Why does he love me?

Why does he like my sister?

Is he attracted to me?

Does he think my sister is more attractive?

Has he cheated on me?

Is he really where he says he is/or should be?

Was/is he lying?

What else did he do?

Will I ever be able to trust him completely again?

Will our sex life ever change?

Will I ever stop thinking about ending this relationship?

Should we be together because I have so many trust issues?

What did he mean when he said he wanted to better our relationship?

Was it just something he felt like he should say but didn't really mean it?

On a side note.. Sometimes it's hard for me to care for a relationship I don't feel secure in. =\\

It must be nice to feel secure in a relationship.. he seems to have no worries about me or maybe he just doesn't care because he knows he's not all innocent.


I don't feel appreciated, I feel like I'm taken for granted.


Sometimes I think he's only with me so he doesn't have to pay more child support.

Sometimes I think that I want to lose weight so that I can be sexy for someone else, not Brad.

Sometimes like the sentence prior to this one I want to say something that might lead him to believe there might be someone else just in case he does read this.

Sometimes I wish I could read his brain.. I actually just thought that maybe I should let him read this.. but it's not fair. I'm completely okay with being an open book to him or anyone really but I feel like he's hiding so much from me on a daily basis. I want to know everything too. I wish he would write down every concern or thought about us.

Future-ness

Ugh it is 3 am, I can't fall asleep. My brain won't shut the eff up. I've been thinking about my future and what I should do with it. && I think I have come up with a relatively good plan on making it better.

I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.

Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.

If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.

But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.

So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]

The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?

Everything is Fine

Sometimes I love being wrong. :DDDD

He's just being lovely.

Mixed Feelings

I don't know if I should be really happy or upset. Ughhh. =[[

Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\

Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.

I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...

Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)

Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila

Well if u come to the party in Jamestown, NY this Friday and Saturday you'll see for yourself what sexy lingerie I picked out for u! Muah!

19 Oct")) because he's taking my car to work because "he needs to put gas in it" (which means I won't have a car so I can go check up on him)) I didn't hear anything about Tila Tequila until just now..

Nicole Bennett

"Okay so I am really sick of reading shit about Tila Tequila coming to Jamestown. Like really?! She had one show on mtv, and wrote the lamest songs ever. People act like she's fuckin God."

As soon as I read that everything just seemed to make so much more sense. =[[ I know damn well he probably knows about it since he works with a bunch of guys and they read the newspaper...

Amanda Saddler

"there was an article in the newspaper about her and it started out talking about how she was the most popular artist on myspace and then it said, and i quote, "if you weren't online friends with her, you weren't important in the social networking world." lmfao. wtf is that bullshit?!"

I bet you any money it's also the reason his brother keeps calling him.. keep asking him if he's going to see her. I figure that because his brother just recently went to hang out with buffalo cheerleaders in a Jamestown thing. I can't remember where it was taken place but I know he'd definitely be interested in seeing Tila too. I asked Brad what his brother wanted and he'd say he keeps talking about the Giants game.. which doesn't make much sense to me because he never really talks about the Giants game or is really that interested in them, it's definitely not something he'd mention like three different times. He's not even a bills fan.. he likes the dolphins..

I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)

Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.

I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|

Ian

Me: Hello Ian. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about adding you back. =\ I don't understand why you deleted me in the first place so I definitely don't get why you are adding me back now since nothing between us has changed. If you don't like me as a person (which it seemed like) than I'd appreciate it if you deleted me again.

Ian: okay well if assumptions are all im going to get, then i will just delete you again

Me: k.

Lool, can you tell that I just don't give a fuck about him anymore??? lool. Lame. He added me today for like a couple hours before he deleted me again. xD Makes me laughhh. He's like the first person I ever basically told them to their face I don't give a crap about them. Lol, and watch it's probably going to bite me in the ass someday.. I'm sure he'll start some type of rumor or is talking crap behind my back. Oh welllll.

There's only a couple people that I don't give a shit for and Ian is obviously one.

The other would be my cousin Tasha. I am still really bitter about her not attending my baby shower or Kailynn's birthday even though I went to her kids birthday and baby shower. She didn't even visit me at the hospital when I had k, I went to see her at the hospital when she had Cameron. She tried inviting me to her sons birthday this year but I didn't go since I knew most likely she wouldn't go to Kailynn's. I don't really need to tell her I don't like her.. she might already know.. and like Ian I don't even see them around anyways. Letting him know I basically don't give a crap about him anymore just makes it a little bit easier for me if I do see him somewhere in public, to ignore him instead of feeling awkward thinking I should say something or wave to him.

Ian I haven't really considered a good friend anyways since him and Jen talked crap about me in a public chat. I never done anything to him.. so he has no right to give me any type of attitude. That chat was completely unnecessary, he said some mean things that didn't need to be said and had nothing to do with anything that concerned him. He didn't like that I didn't have time to spend with my friends because I just got in a relationship with Brad, when we never hung outside of school to begin with and I had just made plans to do something with Jen. That shit felt so unfair back then.. I wish I could find the document I saved the conversation in.

Anyways him deleting me from Facebook pretty much ended it completely for me. The last straw I guess you could say. He obviously don't care too much for me and I don't need him in my life.

My fears

So... I'm making some polyvore creations and I came across this contest and the theme is Fears... which got me thinking about my fears as of lately.

I would say my biggest fears currently are:

losing Brad (whether I find out he's cheating on me and I break up with him or he just passes away at an early age) Besides loving him immensely I don't think I could stay sane and take care of two kids on my own.

The possibility of having Huntington's. That is definitely something that scares me. I definitely don't like the idea that if I might have it, my children might too. =[

Alex.. I really hope he comes out normal looking and is healthy.. =| Kailynn has body slammed my belly a few times and I worry what that might of done to him. I am also afraid that I won't know how to be a good mother to a little boy.. my goal as a mother to a boy is to make sure that he grows up to respect woman and I'm afraid I will fail that.

and the dark... =| I think I will always be afraid of the dark. I've gotten a little better at it but that's just because I don't give myself time to think of scary things while in the dark. I can usually run through my kitchen with it being dark. If I just got done watching a creepy movie you can forget about it, every light will be turned on in my house.

Danielle

Danielle had her baby already!! =[[ and she has lots of hairrrrrrrrrr! I want my baby outttttttttttttt. If I'm not mistaken I'm pretty sure I was due before her!! >=\ -jealous-

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and my doctor didn't seem too happy about where I am at in my pregnancy =[[ She said he's higher up than she would want.. and she shoved her hand up me and played around with my uterus crap trying to irritate it and get it to start doing crap. That hurt like an effer. She warned that what she was about to do would probably give me cramps and it definitely did. It probably wouldn't of hurt so bad if she didn't have to reach so far in there because he was so high up..

He's probably not low because I don't stand that much unless I'm like at walmart.. like wholy crap we went to Walmart last Friday and I seriously thought he might want to pop out at any time. I was hugely waddling because he was so low and I felt huge and I felt like a huge billboard. Like 5 people commented to me about my pregnancy, either giving me luck or saying something like it's almost time. I was like =| hahahr, thanks. now I must catch up with my husband.

So for now on since I'm not worrying about missing my road test I can pretty much have this baby whenever... I am going to be taking lots of walks and trying to start up the labor. My doctor told me to do some jumping jacks.. I'm not sure if she was serious though. So I don't know if that's something safe that I should do.. lol xD

Ugh. Just get him out of me naturally, k thanks!! I really don't want to be induced or have a c-section.

Playboy

Brad told me today that some chick at his work was featured in a playboy magazine awhile ago.. =\\ and he's interested in looking at it "to see what the big deal is" because a lot of guys at work are talking about it.. humm. Lame.

Upsets me a bit and then he gets mad at me because I commented about it.. like I'm not allowed to say anything. All I said was "your daddy wants to look at some girl that he works with naked" talking to Kailynn because she was trying to get my attention. Sighh, wtf. And then like an hour later he said I love you or something and I was like "even though I'm not a playboy model?" =\\ He got mad at that too.

His Charges

"Bradley E. Anderson, 30, of Jamestown was charged with DWI, DWI per se, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to keep right Sunday at 8:10 p.m. Officers saw a vehicle allegedly fail to stop at a stop sign at the intersection of Prather Avenue and South Main Street. The vehicle turned on to South Main Street and allegedly failed to keep right as it drifted into the oncoming lane. The vehicle was pulled over and according to police, Anderson was found to be driving and intoxicated. He was taken into custody without incident and taken to the city jail pending arraignment."

What a loser. -.- The vehicle was my car.. He said he noticed the cop behind him and got all nervous but he is out now and its good.

He didn't lose his job which I was worried about and they didn't make him go to Mayville and luckily I didn't get the $500 I needed in order to bail him out or else we'd be really screwed for money.. Even though Brad promised to pay it this Thursday that would of meant that our television would of been shut off and he'd have to find another car insurance place because he owes them money.

Speaking of car insurance, the bill is going to go up significantly because of the charges.. -.- He also now has a restricted license..

"Work-Restricted License/Driving Under the Influence

• Work-restricted driver's licenses are usually issued to people who have been convicted of DUI offenses and have lost their driving privileges. Depending on the state, people who are first-time offenders can usually apply for a restricted license that will allow them to travel back and forth to work. Sometimes they are also allowed to go other places, too (for education or addiction recovery purposes).
  People who have work-restricted licenses because of DUI offenses are usually given a time frame by the court. If they stay within the license restrictions and receive no more violations or tickets, they'll be allowed to reapply for a regular driver's license. Depending on the offense, drivers may have to wait anywhere from a few months to several years before being allowed to reapply.
  Drivers who are caught violating the license restrictions face a variety of penalties. Most of the time, drivers lose the restricted license and are barred from reapplying for new ones until a certain amount of time has passed. They may also face fines, incarceration and the permanent loss of driving privileges in that state.
  It is important to note that many states check the status of out-of-state drivers before issuing new drivers' licenses. They will uphold the license restriction or license loss that was imposed on a driver by another state."
  

Blehh, I slept like all day yesterday because I was so concerned for our future and trying to figure out what I should do.. that night I got like 2 hours of sleep.

I ended up telling my grandmother about Brad anyways even though my parents didn't think I should. I hope they are not mad at me.. I don't see why they would be mad at me.. it doesn't really affect them.

I waited outside with my little sisters yesterday morning because my grandmother picks them up to go to school and I didn't have her number. That's when I told her.. and asked her if she had the money to bail him out.. she didn't let me have the money because she thought it was good that he was in there and to teach him a lesson and besides that I guess she never done it for any of her sisters and wouldn't of done it for even my dad if he had ever been pulled over while drinking. She realized that since he was in jail I didn't have anybody to take me to my road test. Stupid me canceled it Sunday night because I couldn't find anyone to take me and totally forgot that my grandmother doesn't work on Mondays and plus I didn't think I was going to tell her about Brad. So she didn't even cross my mind on taking me. I canceled it because I thought I had to give them like 24 hour notice.. but whateverrrrrr. I called dmv and asked them that even though I cancelled my appointment at like 2 am if I could still take it but they said no.. I bet you if I still showed up the person testing me wouldn't of even realized it since I cancelled it so late. >=\ But I wasn't really up for taking the test because I had so much crap in my head.. I don't think I would of been able to really focus during the test.

So now I have a test on November 9, at 11 am.

But alas... he has to go to probation every Friday I believe and some alcohol crap. I think he learned his lesson.

Brad Goes To Jail

Worst day ever.. well it was good for the most part until like a hour ago.. =[[[

Brad is in jail for either dui or dwi.. I'm not sure.. Sigh.. I can't believe it.. that screws us in more ways than one. One, we definitely don't have any money to bail him out.. I'm not even sure how much bail is going to cost (just found out it's $500, which isn't that bad but still don't have it).. don't know where we could get the money.. definitely don't think I should ask Brad's stepdad because we'll never hear the end of it. (Brad called him anyways and he said he could come up with half) I'm waiting for a call from Brad hopefully.. not sure if he's going to call me or someone else. But I'm keeping my cell nice and close so I don't miss it if he doessssssss. I'm not sure if it's only one call a day or if that's just a tv thing. Ughhhh, two, tomorrow is my effing road test.. which I won't be able to go to if I don't find someone with a license that can take me. Three, what if he's in jail for a long time and isn't here for the birth of this baby???

Ew, so while typing this Brad called me, that's what the orange text is.. things that I learned.. If I had $500 I could bail him out right now but it kinda doesn't even seem like he learned his lesson so I kinda want him to be in there a little bit longer and think about what he's done but I need him to be homeeeeeeeeeeeee. =| What a fucktard. He kept saying shit happens. Like.. oh well. >=\ I don't know what to doooooooooooooo. Roaroaro.

Family Birth Months

Just in case I decide to get a tattoo based on this kind of information.

Kailynn: August

August Birth Flower
The August Birth Flower is the Gladiolus

Meaning of the August Birth Flower:
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Leo - July 23 - August 23

August Birthstone: The Peridot

Characteristics of Leo : Honest, Generous, Self-motivated, Warm-hearted & Enthusiastic

The Meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character.

The Hidden message of August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the Gladiolus, so favored during the Victorian era was "Love at first sight".

Colors of the Gladiolus

The colors of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus, include the following:

• Pink

• Red

• White

• Yellow

• Orange

Alex: September

September Birth Flower
The September Birth Flower is the Aster

Meaning of the September Birth Flower:
The meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster is Love, Faith, Wisdom and symbolizes Valor

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Virgo - August 24 - September 22 (might have to change this if he comes later than September 22)

September Birthstone: The Sapphire

Characteristics of Virgo :
Orderly, Modest, Diligent, Analytical & Self-sufficient

The Meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster
The meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster is Love, Faith, Wisdom and symbolizes Valor.

The Hidden message of September Birth Flower, the Aster
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the aster, so favored during the Victorian era was "Take care of yourself for me".

Colors of the Aster

The colors of the September Birth Flower, the Aster, include the following:

• Pink

• Red

• White

• Lilac

• Mauve

Me: December

December Birth Flower
The December Birth Flower is the Narcissus

Meaning of the December Birth Flower:
The meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus is respect, modesty and faithfulness

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Sagittarius - November 22 - December 21

December Birthstone: The Turquoise

Characteristics of Sagittarius :
Ethical, Humorous, Generous, Dynamic & Compassionate

The Meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus
The meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus is respect, modesty and faithfulness.

The Hidden message of December Birth Flower, the Narcissus
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the Narcissus, so favored during the Victorian era varied "You're the Only One".

Colors of the Narcissus

The colors of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus, include the following:

• White

• Yellow

• Orange

Brad: March

March Birth Flower
The March Birth Flower is the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)

Meaning of the March Birth Flower: The meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus) is friendship and domestic happiness

Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Pisces - February 19 - March 20

March Birthstone: The Aquamarine

Characteristics of Pisces :
Romantic, Generous, Receptive, Honest & Affectionate

The Meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)
The meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus) is friendship and domestic happiness.

The Hidden message of March Birth Flower, the Jonquil
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the jonquil, so favored during the Victorian era was "You are an angel".

Colors of the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)

The colors of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus), include the following:

• White

• Yellow

• Orange

Lovee

Sigh, this relationship is kinda confusingggggg. Grah. I love him so much sometimes. I don't think he means to hurt my feelings when it comes to not having sex.. I don't know. I just want that connection sometimesss and I get jealous of porn.

But he has been super nice to me the last couple days... and we just had a really long good conversation in the kitchen about a whole bunch of random crap. He told me that he doesn't feel very loved by me.. which confused me and kinda made me upset because it made me feel bad... I thought I made it clear that I loved him but I guess not. <3 He almost seemed to choke up a little when he told me that... so cute of him.

&& Yesterday he sent me a couple really cute messages. <3<3<3<3

"I love u so very very much just wanted to let u know i was thinkin bout u at 545 this morning :)" Tue, Sep 6 5:46 am

"If only you knew how much i love you!!!!! :):):):):):):):)!!!!<3"
Tue, Sep 6 8:05 am

That's exactly what they read... I counted all the smilies and exclamation marks.

Days like this make me feel like the luckiest girl to have him but like there's still things missing in the relationship and I think he finally realizes it too because in our conversation he was thinking of ways to improve our relationship... it was super nice..

Ughh I am like fighting back tears because I'm so happy that we talked.

Doctorsssss

Went to the doctors today. It's that time of pregnancy when you see the doctor once a week. But yess, there was a new nurse lady I never seen there. She was super pretty. Perfect blonde hair... I wanted to ask her so bad how her hair is so perfect, I hate mine. It's so frizzy and gross. Reminded me kinda of Nicole Bennett's. I've always thought her hair is perfect...

I also gained almost another three pounds. Yes, I gained 3 pounds in a week.. Ugh. I weighed 164.8 >=\\ This baby better be huge but not too huge so that I have a hard time pushing him out... and I better lose like ten pounds as soon as he pops out. Hopefully at least 7 pounds of him (K was like 7.2 pounds when she was born), a few pounds of water crap and placenta.

Doctor said I have gained more weight with this baby than I did for Kailynn. 32 pounds for K, and 35 pounds for him so far. Blehhhhhh. It's strange I don't think I look like I'm bigger than I was for Kailynn.

She also told me that she had two girls give birth this last weekend and they went really fast, also I guess one was a boy and one was a girl. She barely made it on time to help deliver.. =| I hope she isn't late for mine.

Humm, I didn't have her look to see if I've dilated anymore.. She gave me the option.. and I rather not have her shoving her hand inside me if it's not needed. It really hurt when she did it.. probably because I haven't had sex in forever. Last week she did it because she had to do a strep test on me. Last week I was only like a finger tip dilated. I probably should have had her check because I've been getting some intense cramps. I really think if I went for a walk the baby would pop out really soon.. even though I kinda want to do that, I also don't because my road test is the 12th and who knows if I'll be out of hospital by then. =\\\

Same Old Thing

I was going to post this on notemine but since I wiped clean my laptop because it wouldn't work I don't have the document for all the color blocks I need. It's in my hard drive but I don't feel like going to get it.

I guess I will write more than just being depressed since I have more room.

I swear I probably wrote something similar to this like 3 other times.. =[[ I'm so lame.

I am kinda depressed. =[[ As usual. I really shouldn't have anymore kids. I get so depressed because I'm huge and Brad barely gives me any sexual attention. We haven't had sex for a few months now and I deffinitely don't expect any, any time soon because Brad is too afraid it's going to induce labor and he rather the baby be late than early. Plus you are not allowed to have sex, exercise, or use tampons for 6 weeks after you have a baby. You bleed a whole lot anyways so sex would be kinda disgusting but I am still craving sexual attention... He didn't even give me a kiss just now before he left to take Devin home.. which he usually does. =[[ That's like barely even sexual but at least I get a little something.

My body image definitely depresses me and just makes me want to become anorexic because I am pretty sure that is why Brad won't have sex with me.. and rather use porn. I hate that porn is getting way more attention than me. ='''[[ He watches it multiple times of the day so I know he craves sex too.. just not with me.

I almost hate myself because I blame myself for the way I appear. I don't feel the least bit pretty and I don't think I will feel pretty until I'm at least 120... currently I weight 162... =[[ It's the highest I've ever been and I don't see myself loosing that weight until the weather is back to being nice so that's even more depressing because I can't get rid of the weight as fast as I would like too... I wish I lived down south so I could go out running all year long... and not have to worry about the stupid snow.

I really do hate myself, I can't stop thinking about all the things I hate about myself. I have no confidence what so ever. I cry wayyyyyyy to much. I hate how easy it is for me to cry now and it's not only because of my pregnancy.

Like yesterday. I don't know why I ask stupid questions. We were watching Chuck & Larry the movie... Larry has a son that can do splits. I was sitting next to Brad indian style like and Brad started pushing my leg down to see how far I can go and he then told me that he told me how he would like it if I could do a split. Than the conversation turned into talking about flexibility. So stupid me asked if he had ever had sex with someone that was really flexible. Of course it just had to be Janelle and of course he had to go into more detail than I wanted. So I got upset.. Janelle just seems to be like his little sex goddess. Really flexible, likes to talk dirty and she and him had a threesome together..

She seems almost nothing like me and that makes me upset because I know he'd prefer that and if I wanted to satisfy him I'd have to change myself like hugely. I just want to be myself and be comfortable. =[[[ I definitely don't come close to any of the girls he watches in pornos.

I don't know what to do with myself.. I hate that I want to change myself just to satisfy him.. but it's the only way that I am going to be happy.. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!

I think losing weight will help a lot with my depression.. I don't know. At least maybe I can attract other guys and won't feel so worthless.

Stressssssss x's a million.

Stressing about not being ready for baby and Brad is being an ass. =| Roar, I'm tired of it. If he had it his way we would only have one onesie for him.. that's the only item of clothing he's bought and he thinks that's perfectly fine. Luckily I was able to scrape some money to buy him a few things. =\\ Besides the onesie, he bought a car seat/stroller combo, a box of diapers, and a mattress.. That's it. We still have no blankets for him, no bed set, no mobile, no toys, no sheets, or a bed. We have a bassinet that we can use for a couple months.. We have bottles, a walker and a swing that he could use that we used for Kailynn but that's like it.. a handful of clothes and a couple things to use when he gets a bit older.

Recycle

I feel like a dork because I like to recycle. Plastics this week! <> I don't have the yellow bins they provided awhile ago but a few times I have taken a garbage full of recyclables to the curb and they took it. (I leave the bag open and away from the regular trash so it's obvious) I got kinda excited finding out I can recycle the diaper wipe tubs that I have a bunch of. Makes me feel better knowing I'm making some kind of difference. Recycling plastics just seem to me like I'm making a bigger difference than say recycling paper..