So it feels like I have a lot to say lately.. =||
Humm, I am enjoying writing in here again though.
Oh memoriess being written is kinda lovely.
I am back to loving life, it's amazing what talking can dooo. Me and Brad cuddled and napped together a little bit yesterday, that was hugely lovely. A few days ago I climbed on top of him and we kissed all passionately (usually we just give each other lame goodbye peck kisses) and he got hard. It was supposed to be just a goodnight kiss. xD That drove me nuts since I had to leave him knowing "thattt" and I've been craving sex for like everrr and I had to be a good little girl and climb into my lonely recliner so that I and Alex don't wake him and Kailynn all night. I wasn't allowed to have sex yet too because it wasn't 6 weeks after I had Alex. Hum, =] Brad bought condomss for us today. Tehehehahar.
Ughh, I am just loving life so much right noww. I feel like I can just be myselffff and be happy being myself. I don't care what others think about me. I already have my hubby, I don't need to please anyone else. I did my nails all pretty todayyy, for some reason that makes me really happy. They are pink and black. Brad hasn't yelled at me for anything stupid since our fight on Sundayy. We both are in way better moods, like we can just laugh stupid things off instead of getting annoyed. We played Mortal Combat, that was fun. <3 He beat me three times, though I did win one round.
This strange thought came to my mind today.. I was wondering if there is a God, if maybe he is rewarding me kinda for not committing suicide back when I really wanted to. Back when my mother abused me daily and I was picked on at school. Like life just seems to be running really smoothly for me, even after the big fights me and Brad have. It's just my own thoughts that make it hard for me to not fight with Brad.
I feel so lucky to have him and my kids, they are perfect. He was so easy to find, I didn't have to go on a million dates to find the right one. And he gave me the most perfect kids.
I'm lucky to have my friend that I can trust with anything.
If I wasn't still alive I would never know that I can almost forgive my mom for everything and that we could get along and I am really grateful for that.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
=[ Fix Your Blog Jennnnn!!
Blog has been removed
Sorry, the blog at jeninolol.blogspot.com has been removed. This address is not available for new blogs.
Did you expect to see your blog here? See: 'I can't find my blog on the Web, where is it?'
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Another Talk
Well, we had another one of our talks.. and I'm feeling better about our relationship again.
Now I just wish the relationship was more stable. I'm getting frustrated with these 'roller coaster' emotions. One moment I'm so upset with him I'm convinced I want to end the relationship right then and there, the next we have one of these talks and everything is fine. Grrr.
The most important thing is that I do feel more secure in this relationship.
Now I just wish the relationship was more stable. I'm getting frustrated with these 'roller coaster' emotions. One moment I'm so upset with him I'm convinced I want to end the relationship right then and there, the next we have one of these talks and everything is fine. Grrr.
The most important thing is that I do feel more secure in this relationship.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Stupid Hoodie
I just need to tell myself that sex isn't everything, I guess. Or maybe just love.. Love isn't everything.
He might love me but he's definitely not good at showing it most of the time. It sucks because there's really only like a few days I ever feel loved and I feel like that's just to keep me around for a little bit longer.
Most of the time he yells at me for stupid reasons. Almost everyday. Makes me wonder why he even likes me if there's so many reasons to yell at me.
A couple days ago he yelled at me for wearing his hoodie. I got so upset. He didn't want me to get it dirty or get cat hair on it... made me feel like he thinks I'm a scumbag or something. I felt like he didn't like me at all, almost disgusted by me, why was it so important to get me out of that hoodie? Like really? It's not hard to throw it in the washer. Way to make a girl feel unloved.
Every girl likes to wear their significant other's hoodie, so it broke my heart. I guess I am only allowed to wear his crap if I've gained 30 lbs because I have a baby growing inside me and can't fit into any of my own clothes. He didn't say that but that's what I get from it.
So I guess I will make sure I never make that mistake ever again, even if it breaks my heart. I will never ask to wear anything of his anymore, even if I'm freezing.
I was wearing it because it was the first thing I saw and I wanted to go outside to talk to my dad. When I got back inside Alex was crying.. the first thing I thought about was to look for a bottle so that I could feed him.. not take off a stupid hoodie.
He might love me but he's definitely not good at showing it most of the time. It sucks because there's really only like a few days I ever feel loved and I feel like that's just to keep me around for a little bit longer.
Most of the time he yells at me for stupid reasons. Almost everyday. Makes me wonder why he even likes me if there's so many reasons to yell at me.
A couple days ago he yelled at me for wearing his hoodie. I got so upset. He didn't want me to get it dirty or get cat hair on it... made me feel like he thinks I'm a scumbag or something. I felt like he didn't like me at all, almost disgusted by me, why was it so important to get me out of that hoodie? Like really? It's not hard to throw it in the washer. Way to make a girl feel unloved.
Every girl likes to wear their significant other's hoodie, so it broke my heart. I guess I am only allowed to wear his crap if I've gained 30 lbs because I have a baby growing inside me and can't fit into any of my own clothes. He didn't say that but that's what I get from it.
So I guess I will make sure I never make that mistake ever again, even if it breaks my heart. I will never ask to wear anything of his anymore, even if I'm freezing.
I was wearing it because it was the first thing I saw and I wanted to go outside to talk to my dad. When I got back inside Alex was crying.. the first thing I thought about was to look for a bottle so that I could feed him.. not take off a stupid hoodie.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Too Many Questions or Thoughts
Questions that are often going through my mind:
Is he watching porn now?
Why does he love me?
Why does he like my sister?
Is he attracted to me?
Does he think my sister is more attractive?
Has he cheated on me?
Is he really where he says he is/or should be?
Was/is he lying?
What else did he do?
Will I ever be able to trust him completely again?
Will our sex life ever change?
Will I ever stop thinking about ending this relationship?
Should we be together because I have so many trust issues?
What did he mean when he said he wanted to better our relationship?
Was it just something he felt like he should say but didn't really mean it?
On a side note.. Sometimes it's hard for me to care for a relationship I don't feel secure in. =\\
It must be nice to feel secure in a relationship.. he seems to have no worries about me or maybe he just doesn't care because he knows he's not all innocent.
I don't feel appreciated, I feel like I'm taken for granted.
Sometimes I think he's only with me so he doesn't have to pay more child support.
Sometimes I think that I want to lose weight so that I can be sexy for someone else, not Brad.
Sometimes like the sentence prior to this one I want to say something that might lead him to believe there might be someone else just in case he does read this.
Sometimes I wish I could read his brain.. I actually just thought that maybe I should let him read this.. but it's not fair. I'm completely okay with being an open book to him or anyone really but I feel like he's hiding so much from me on a daily basis. I want to know everything too. I wish he would write down every concern or thought about us.
Is he watching porn now?
Why does he love me?
Why does he like my sister?
Is he attracted to me?
Does he think my sister is more attractive?
Has he cheated on me?
Is he really where he says he is/or should be?
Was/is he lying?
What else did he do?
Will I ever be able to trust him completely again?
Will our sex life ever change?
Will I ever stop thinking about ending this relationship?
Should we be together because I have so many trust issues?
What did he mean when he said he wanted to better our relationship?
Was it just something he felt like he should say but didn't really mean it?
On a side note.. Sometimes it's hard for me to care for a relationship I don't feel secure in. =\\
It must be nice to feel secure in a relationship.. he seems to have no worries about me or maybe he just doesn't care because he knows he's not all innocent.
I don't feel appreciated, I feel like I'm taken for granted.
Sometimes I think he's only with me so he doesn't have to pay more child support.
Sometimes I think that I want to lose weight so that I can be sexy for someone else, not Brad.
Sometimes like the sentence prior to this one I want to say something that might lead him to believe there might be someone else just in case he does read this.
Sometimes I wish I could read his brain.. I actually just thought that maybe I should let him read this.. but it's not fair. I'm completely okay with being an open book to him or anyone really but I feel like he's hiding so much from me on a daily basis. I want to know everything too. I wish he would write down every concern or thought about us.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Future-ness
Ugh it is 3 am, I can't fall asleep. My brain won't shut the eff up. I've been thinking about my future and what I should do with it. && I think I have come up with a relatively good plan on making it better.
I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.
Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.
If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.
But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.
So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]
The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?
I'm thinking as soon as Alex is able to sleep all night long I'm going to sign up for online college courses (I'm thinking online courses because I figure it'd be easier to do the classes at home where I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter or rides or anything else) to do general education courses because I am thinking about getting into Radiology. The WCA has a Radiologic Technology program that requires 15 general education college credits. I think that once Alex is sleeping during the night and if I can get him and Kailynn to bed by 9 pm I can do my class work while they are asleep. At night and during their nap time during the day. I figure the latest I might have to stay up is 2 am and that will probably give me like 7 hours to sleep before they wake up in the morning.
Once I've gotten the 15 credits I will try applying for the WCA Program.
If for some reason I have a hard time pursuing this path and the kids are already in school I will try getting hired where Brad works since he's making good money.
But I will also be trying to get my photography business going throughout the years. The radiology and Brad's jobs are just backup plans.
So yes, that is my plan... and it feels lovely finally having a plan and it's a pretty great plan if I do say so myself.. I will definitely be accomplishing something and I think my family would be very proud of me if I become a Radiologist. =]
The only thing I'm a little worried about is the money I need to take all the classes. I have no idea how to go about financial aid for online classes...?
Friday, October 21, 2011
Mixed Feelings
I don't know if I should be really happy or upset. Ughhh. =[[
Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\
Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.
I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...
Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)
Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila
Nicole Bennett
I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)
Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.
I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|
Brad has been really nice to me this week after I found him on another porno site.. a site that required money to get on.. he told me he was closing his account there because he wanted to start making things right with us.. I don't think I believe him but I want to.. =\\
Gr, I'm such an emotional baby.. like that would mean so much to me if it was the truth. It'd make me so happy, so happy I cry happy tears just thinking about it... but I'm afraid to be really happy and be just let down again. So I'm trying to be strong by not believing him.. But yes that was a few days ago.. during his lunch break. =| I don't knowwwwwww.
I really want to believe him and it sucks because I think I kinda have and now I just found out something else that makes me wonder if everything nice he's been doing for me is because he feels guilty for something else...
Like it's so strange.. I feel like I am really good at sensing this kinda crap. While I was waiting for Brad in my car today I even tried getting on blogger on my cellphone to write how I wondered if he cheated on me and now feels guilty, so that's why he's all of a sudden "had a change of heart and wants to make things better with us". (I couldn't log in for some reason on my cell phone so that's why I didn't post it)
Instead of cheating on me I think he might be planning on seeing Tila Tequila secretly, behind my back.. and I wouldn't doubt he's planning on it tomorrow. =[[[ (I think he's going to tomorrow (which is friday... ("OfficialMsTila Miss Tila
Well if u come to the party in Jamestown, NY this Friday and Saturday you'll see for yourself what sexy lingerie I picked out for u! Muah!")) because he's taking my car to work because "he needs to put gas in it" (which means I won't have a car so I can go check up on him)) I didn't hear anything about Tila Tequila until just now..
Nicole Bennett
"Amanda Saddler
"there was an article in the newspaper about her and it started out talking about how she was the most popular artist on myspace and then it said, and i quote, "if you weren't online friends with her, you weren't important in the social networking world." lmfao. wtf is that bullshit?!"
I don't know.. =[[ I feel so confuseddd. and Brad really hasn't been THAT nice to me.. I just really liked what he said when I caught him with the porn and he bought me a new purse and wallet today supposedly being nice because I took my sister to her interview at his work. Also today he gave me permission to do whatever I want to my hair.. we barely talked about the subject but I'm guessing he means I can get layers if I want... (yay! but nay if he's only saying that because he feels guilty about planning on seeing Tila)
Another clue that he might be thinking about going to see Tila is that he keeps forgetting he gets his son this weekend which would probably keep him from going.. Like I don't know what time she's going to be there, but if it's late ((past 7:30pm when he's been getting out of work lately) I imagine Brad figuring out how he can leave the house for a bit without me realizing anything is out of the ordinary (like visiting his "cousin" Bama)) But if his son is there he wouldn't leave me home alone with him and Kailynn and Alex.
I swear sometimes I think I should be a detective. =|
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Ian
Me: Hello Ian. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about adding you back. =\ I don't understand why you deleted me in the first place so I definitely don't get why you are adding me back now since nothing between us has changed. If you don't like me as a person (which it seemed like) than I'd appreciate it if you deleted me again.
Ian: okay well if assumptions are all im going to get, then i will just delete you again
Me: k.
Lool, can you tell that I just don't give a fuck about him anymore??? lool. Lame. He added me today for like a couple hours before he deleted me again. xD Makes me laughhh. He's like the first person I ever basically told them to their face I don't give a crap about them. Lol, and watch it's probably going to bite me in the ass someday.. I'm sure he'll start some type of rumor or is talking crap behind my back. Oh welllll.
There's only a couple people that I don't give a shit for and Ian is obviously one.
The other would be my cousin Tasha. I am still really bitter about her not attending my baby shower or Kailynn's birthday even though I went to her kids birthday and baby shower. She didn't even visit me at the hospital when I had k, I went to see her at the hospital when she had Cameron. She tried inviting me to her sons birthday this year but I didn't go since I knew most likely she wouldn't go to Kailynn's. I don't really need to tell her I don't like her.. she might already know.. and like Ian I don't even see them around anyways. Letting him know I basically don't give a crap about him anymore just makes it a little bit easier for me if I do see him somewhere in public, to ignore him instead of feeling awkward thinking I should say something or wave to him.
Ian I haven't really considered a good friend anyways since him and Jen talked crap about me in a public chat. I never done anything to him.. so he has no right to give me any type of attitude. That chat was completely unnecessary, he said some mean things that didn't need to be said and had nothing to do with anything that concerned him. He didn't like that I didn't have time to spend with my friends because I just got in a relationship with Brad, when we never hung outside of school to begin with and I had just made plans to do something with Jen. That shit felt so unfair back then.. I wish I could find the document I saved the conversation in.
Anyways him deleting me from Facebook pretty much ended it completely for me. The last straw I guess you could say. He obviously don't care too much for me and I don't need him in my life.
Friday, September 16, 2011
My fears
So... I'm making some polyvore creations and I came across this contest and the theme is Fears... which got me thinking about my fears as of lately.
I would say my biggest fears currently are:
losing Brad (whether I find out he's cheating on me and I break up with him or he just passes away at an early age) Besides loving him immensely I don't think I could stay sane and take care of two kids on my own.
The possibility of having Huntington's. That is definitely something that scares me. I definitely don't like the idea that if I might have it, my children might too. =[
Alex.. I really hope he comes out normal looking and is healthy.. =| Kailynn has body slammed my belly a few times and I worry what that might of done to him. I am also afraid that I won't know how to be a good mother to a little boy.. my goal as a mother to a boy is to make sure that he grows up to respect woman and I'm afraid I will fail that.
and the dark... =| I think I will always be afraid of the dark. I've gotten a little better at it but that's just because I don't give myself time to think of scary things while in the dark. I can usually run through my kitchen with it being dark. If I just got done watching a creepy movie you can forget about it, every light will be turned on in my house.
I would say my biggest fears currently are:
losing Brad (whether I find out he's cheating on me and I break up with him or he just passes away at an early age) Besides loving him immensely I don't think I could stay sane and take care of two kids on my own.
The possibility of having Huntington's. That is definitely something that scares me. I definitely don't like the idea that if I might have it, my children might too. =[
Alex.. I really hope he comes out normal looking and is healthy.. =| Kailynn has body slammed my belly a few times and I worry what that might of done to him. I am also afraid that I won't know how to be a good mother to a little boy.. my goal as a mother to a boy is to make sure that he grows up to respect woman and I'm afraid I will fail that.
and the dark... =| I think I will always be afraid of the dark. I've gotten a little better at it but that's just because I don't give myself time to think of scary things while in the dark. I can usually run through my kitchen with it being dark. If I just got done watching a creepy movie you can forget about it, every light will be turned on in my house.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Danielle
Danielle had her baby already!! =[[ and she has lots of hairrrrrrrrrr! I want my baby outttttttttttttt. If I'm not mistaken I'm pretty sure I was due before her!! >=\ -jealous-
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and my doctor didn't seem too happy about where I am at in my pregnancy =[[ She said he's higher up than she would want.. and she shoved her hand up me and played around with my uterus crap trying to irritate it and get it to start doing crap. That hurt like an effer. She warned that what she was about to do would probably give me cramps and it definitely did. It probably wouldn't of hurt so bad if she didn't have to reach so far in there because he was so high up..
He's probably not low because I don't stand that much unless I'm like at walmart.. like wholy crap we went to Walmart last Friday and I seriously thought he might want to pop out at any time. I was hugely waddling because he was so low and I felt huge and I felt like a huge billboard. Like 5 people commented to me about my pregnancy, either giving me luck or saying something like it's almost time. I was like =| hahahr, thanks. now I must catch up with my husband.
So for now on since I'm not worrying about missing my road test I can pretty much have this baby whenever... I am going to be taking lots of walks and trying to start up the labor. My doctor told me to do some jumping jacks.. I'm not sure if she was serious though. So I don't know if that's something safe that I should do.. lol xD
Ugh. Just get him out of me naturally, k thanks!! I really don't want to be induced or have a c-section.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and my doctor didn't seem too happy about where I am at in my pregnancy =[[ She said he's higher up than she would want.. and she shoved her hand up me and played around with my uterus crap trying to irritate it and get it to start doing crap. That hurt like an effer. She warned that what she was about to do would probably give me cramps and it definitely did. It probably wouldn't of hurt so bad if she didn't have to reach so far in there because he was so high up..
He's probably not low because I don't stand that much unless I'm like at walmart.. like wholy crap we went to Walmart last Friday and I seriously thought he might want to pop out at any time. I was hugely waddling because he was so low and I felt huge and I felt like a huge billboard. Like 5 people commented to me about my pregnancy, either giving me luck or saying something like it's almost time. I was like =| hahahr, thanks. now I must catch up with my husband.
So for now on since I'm not worrying about missing my road test I can pretty much have this baby whenever... I am going to be taking lots of walks and trying to start up the labor. My doctor told me to do some jumping jacks.. I'm not sure if she was serious though. So I don't know if that's something safe that I should do.. lol xD
Ugh. Just get him out of me naturally, k thanks!! I really don't want to be induced or have a c-section.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Playboy
Brad told me today that some chick at his work was featured in a playboy magazine awhile ago.. =\\ and he's interested in looking at it "to see what the big deal is" because a lot of guys at work are talking about it.. humm. Lame.
Upsets me a bit and then he gets mad at me because I commented about it.. like I'm not allowed to say anything. All I said was "your daddy wants to look at some girl that he works with naked" talking to Kailynn because she was trying to get my attention. Sighh, wtf. And then like an hour later he said I love you or something and I was like "even though I'm not a playboy model?" =\\ He got mad at that too.
Upsets me a bit and then he gets mad at me because I commented about it.. like I'm not allowed to say anything. All I said was "your daddy wants to look at some girl that he works with naked" talking to Kailynn because she was trying to get my attention. Sighh, wtf. And then like an hour later he said I love you or something and I was like "even though I'm not a playboy model?" =\\ He got mad at that too.
His Charges
"Bradley E. Anderson, 30, of Jamestown was charged with DWI, DWI per se, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to keep right Sunday at 8:10 p.m. Officers saw a vehicle allegedly fail to stop at a stop sign at the intersection of Prather Avenue and South Main Street. The vehicle turned on to South Main Street and allegedly failed to keep right as it drifted into the oncoming lane. The vehicle was pulled over and according to police, Anderson was found to be driving and intoxicated. He was taken into custody without incident and taken to the city jail pending arraignment."
What a loser. -.- The vehicle was my car.. He said he noticed the cop behind him and got all nervous but he is out now and its good.
He didn't lose his job which I was worried about and they didn't make him go to Mayville and luckily I didn't get the $500 I needed in order to bail him out or else we'd be really screwed for money.. Even though Brad promised to pay it this Thursday that would of meant that our television would of been shut off and he'd have to find another car insurance place because he owes them money.
Speaking of car insurance, the bill is going to go up significantly because of the charges.. -.- He also now has a restricted license..
Blehh, I slept like all day yesterday because I was so concerned for our future and trying to figure out what I should do.. that night I got like 2 hours of sleep."Work-Restricted License/Driving Under the Influence
Work-restricted driver's licenses are usually issued to people who have been convicted of DUI offenses and have lost their driving privileges. Depending on the state, people who are first-time offenders can usually apply for a restricted license that will allow them to travel back and forth to work. Sometimes they are also allowed to go other places, too (for education or addiction recovery purposes).
People who have work-restricted licenses because of DUI offenses are usually given a time frame by the court. If they stay within the license restrictions and receive no more violations or tickets, they'll be allowed to reapply for a regular driver's license. Depending on the offense, drivers may have to wait anywhere from a few months to several years before being allowed to reapply.
Drivers who are caught violating the license restrictions face a variety of penalties. Most of the time, drivers lose the restricted license and are barred from reapplying for new ones until a certain amount of time has passed. They may also face fines, incarceration and the permanent loss of driving privileges in that state.
It is important to note that many states check the status of out-of-state drivers before issuing new drivers' licenses. They will uphold the license restriction or license loss that was imposed on a driver by another state."
I ended up telling my grandmother about Brad anyways even though my parents didn't think I should. I hope they are not mad at me.. I don't see why they would be mad at me.. it doesn't really affect them.
I waited outside with my little sisters yesterday morning because my grandmother picks them up to go to school and I didn't have her number. That's when I told her.. and asked her if she had the money to bail him out.. she didn't let me have the money because she thought it was good that he was in there and to teach him a lesson and besides that I guess she never done it for any of her sisters and wouldn't of done it for even my dad if he had ever been pulled over while drinking. She realized that since he was in jail I didn't have anybody to take me to my road test. Stupid me canceled it Sunday night because I couldn't find anyone to take me and totally forgot that my grandmother doesn't work on Mondays and plus I didn't think I was going to tell her about Brad. So she didn't even cross my mind on taking me. I canceled it because I thought I had to give them like 24 hour notice.. but whateverrrrrr. I called dmv and asked them that even though I cancelled my appointment at like 2 am if I could still take it but they said no.. I bet you if I still showed up the person testing me wouldn't of even realized it since I cancelled it so late. >=\ But I wasn't really up for taking the test because I had so much crap in my head.. I don't think I would of been able to really focus during the test.
So now I have a test on November 9, at 11 am.
But alas... he has to go to probation every Friday I believe and some alcohol crap. I think he learned his lesson.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Brad Goes To Jail
Worst day ever.. well it was good for the most part until like a hour ago.. =[[[
Brad is in jail for either dui or dwi.. I'm not sure.. Sigh.. I can't believe it.. that screws us in more ways than one. One, we definitely don't have any money to bail him out.. I'm not even sure how much bail is going to cost (just found out it's $500, which isn't that bad but still don't have it).. don't know where we could get the money.. definitely don't think I should ask Brad's stepdad because we'll never hear the end of it. (Brad called him anyways and he said he could come up with half) I'm waiting for a call from Brad hopefully.. not sure if he's going to call me or someone else. But I'm keeping my cell nice and close so I don't miss it if he doessssssss. I'm not sure if it's only one call a day or if that's just a tv thing. Ughhhh, two, tomorrow is my effing road test.. which I won't be able to go to if I don't find someone with a license that can take me. Three, what if he's in jail for a long time and isn't here for the birth of this baby???
Ew, so while typing this Brad called me, that's what the orange text is.. things that I learned.. If I had $500 I could bail him out right now but it kinda doesn't even seem like he learned his lesson so I kinda want him to be in there a little bit longer and think about what he's done but I need him to be homeeeeeeeeeeeee. =| What a fucktard. He kept saying shit happens. Like.. oh well. >=\ I don't know what to doooooooooooooo. Roaroaro.
Brad is in jail for either dui or dwi.. I'm not sure.. Sigh.. I can't believe it.. that screws us in more ways than one. One, we definitely don't have any money to bail him out.. I'm not even sure how much bail is going to cost (just found out it's $500, which isn't that bad but still don't have it).. don't know where we could get the money.. definitely don't think I should ask Brad's stepdad because we'll never hear the end of it. (Brad called him anyways and he said he could come up with half) I'm waiting for a call from Brad hopefully.. not sure if he's going to call me or someone else. But I'm keeping my cell nice and close so I don't miss it if he doessssssss. I'm not sure if it's only one call a day or if that's just a tv thing. Ughhhh, two, tomorrow is my effing road test.. which I won't be able to go to if I don't find someone with a license that can take me. Three, what if he's in jail for a long time and isn't here for the birth of this baby???
Ew, so while typing this Brad called me, that's what the orange text is.. things that I learned.. If I had $500 I could bail him out right now but it kinda doesn't even seem like he learned his lesson so I kinda want him to be in there a little bit longer and think about what he's done but I need him to be homeeeeeeeeeeeee. =| What a fucktard. He kept saying shit happens. Like.. oh well. >=\ I don't know what to doooooooooooooo. Roaroaro.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Family Birth Months
Just in case I decide to get a tattoo based on this kind of information.
Kailynn: August
August Birth Flower
The August Birth Flower is the Gladiolus
Meaning of the August Birth Flower:
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character
September Birth Flower
The September Birth Flower is the Aster
December Birth Flower
The December Birth Flower is the Narcissus
Brad: March
March Birth Flower
The March Birth Flower is the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)
Kailynn: August
August Birth Flower
The August Birth Flower is the Gladiolus
Meaning of the August Birth Flower:
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character
Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Leo - July 23 - August 23
August Birthstone: The Peridot
Characteristics of Leo : Honest, Generous, Self-motivated, Warm-hearted & Enthusiastic
The Meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus
The meaning of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus is sincerity and symbolizes strength of character.
The Hidden message of August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the Gladiolus, so favored during the Victorian era was "Love at first sight".
Colors of the Gladiolus
The colors of the August Birth Flower, the Gladiolus, include the following:
Pink
Red
White
Yellow
Orange
September Birth Flower
The September Birth Flower is the Aster
Meaning of the September Birth Flower:
The meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster is Love, Faith, Wisdom and symbolizes Valor
Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Virgo - August 24 - September 22 (might have to change this if he comes later than September 22)
September Birthstone: The Sapphire
Characteristics of Virgo :
Orderly, Modest, Diligent, Analytical & Self-sufficient
The Meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster
The meaning of the September Birth Flower, the Aster is Love, Faith, Wisdom and symbolizes Valor.
The Hidden message of September Birth Flower, the Aster
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the aster, so favored during the Victorian era was "Take care of yourself for me".
Colors of the Aster
The colors of the September Birth Flower, the Aster, include the following:
Pink
Red
White
Lilac
Mauve
December Birth Flower
The December Birth Flower is the Narcissus
Meaning of the December Birth Flower:
The meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus is respect, modesty and faithfulness
Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Sagittarius - November 22 - December 21
December Birthstone: The Turquoise
Characteristics of Sagittarius :
Ethical, Humorous, Generous, Dynamic & Compassionate
The Meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus
The meaning of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus is respect, modesty and faithfulness.
The Hidden message of December Birth Flower, the Narcissus
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the Narcissus, so favored during the Victorian era varied "You're the Only One".
Colors of the Narcissus
The colors of the December Birth Flower, the Narcissus, include the following:
White
Yellow
Orange
Brad: March
March Birth Flower
The March Birth Flower is the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)
Meaning of the March Birth Flower: The meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus) is friendship and domestic happiness
Sign of the Zodiac and Dates:
Pisces - February 19 - March 20
March Birthstone: The Aquamarine
Characteristics of Pisces :
Romantic, Generous, Receptive, Honest & Affectionate
The Meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)
The meaning of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus) is friendship and domestic happiness.
The Hidden message of March Birth Flower, the Jonquil
The hidden message of the Birth Flower, the jonquil, so favored during the Victorian era was "You are an angel".
Colors of the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus)
The colors of the March Birth Flower, the Jonquil (aka Daffodil or Narcissus), include the following:
White
Yellow
Orange
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Lovee
Sigh, this relationship is kinda confusingggggg. Grah. I love him so much sometimes. I don't think he means to hurt my feelings when it comes to not having sex.. I don't know. I just want that connection sometimesss and I get jealous of porn.
But he has been super nice to me the last couple days... and we just had a really long good conversation in the kitchen about a whole bunch of random crap. He told me that he doesn't feel very loved by me.. which confused me and kinda made me upset because it made me feel bad... I thought I made it clear that I loved him but I guess not. <3 He almost seemed to choke up a little when he told me that... so cute of him.
&& Yesterday he sent me a couple really cute messages. <3<3<3<3
"I love u so very very much just wanted to let u know i was thinkin bout u at 545 this morning :)" Tue, Sep 6 5:46 am
"If only you knew how much i love you!!!!! :):):):):):):):)!!!!<3"
Tue, Sep 6 8:05 am
That's exactly what they read... I counted all the smilies and exclamation marks.
Days like this make me feel like the luckiest girl to have him but like there's still things missing in the relationship and I think he finally realizes it too because in our conversation he was thinking of ways to improve our relationship... it was super nice..
Ughh I am like fighting back tears because I'm so happy that we talked.
But he has been super nice to me the last couple days... and we just had a really long good conversation in the kitchen about a whole bunch of random crap. He told me that he doesn't feel very loved by me.. which confused me and kinda made me upset because it made me feel bad... I thought I made it clear that I loved him but I guess not. <3 He almost seemed to choke up a little when he told me that... so cute of him.
&& Yesterday he sent me a couple really cute messages. <3<3<3<3
"I love u so very very much just wanted to let u know i was thinkin bout u at 545 this morning :)" Tue, Sep 6 5:46 am
"If only you knew how much i love you!!!!! :):):):):):):):)!!!!<3"
Tue, Sep 6 8:05 am
That's exactly what they read... I counted all the smilies and exclamation marks.
Days like this make me feel like the luckiest girl to have him but like there's still things missing in the relationship and I think he finally realizes it too because in our conversation he was thinking of ways to improve our relationship... it was super nice..
Ughh I am like fighting back tears because I'm so happy that we talked.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Doctorsssss
Went to the doctors today. It's that time of pregnancy when you see the doctor once a week. But yess, there was a new nurse lady I never seen there. She was super pretty. Perfect blonde hair... I wanted to ask her so bad how her hair is so perfect, I hate mine. It's so frizzy and gross. Reminded me kinda of Nicole Bennett's. I've always thought her hair is perfect...
I also gained almost another three pounds. Yes, I gained 3 pounds in a week.. Ugh. I weighed 164.8 >=\\ This baby better be huge but not too huge so that I have a hard time pushing him out... and I better lose like ten pounds as soon as he pops out. Hopefully at least 7 pounds of him (K was like 7.2 pounds when she was born), a few pounds of water crap and placenta.
Doctor said I have gained more weight with this baby than I did for Kailynn. 32 pounds for K, and 35 pounds for him so far. Blehhhhhh. It's strange I don't think I look like I'm bigger than I was for Kailynn.
She also told me that she had two girls give birth this last weekend and they went really fast, also I guess one was a boy and one was a girl. She barely made it on time to help deliver.. =| I hope she isn't late for mine.
Humm, I didn't have her look to see if I've dilated anymore.. She gave me the option.. and I rather not have her shoving her hand inside me if it's not needed. It really hurt when she did it.. probably because I haven't had sex in forever. Last week she did it because she had to do a strep test on me. Last week I was only like a finger tip dilated. I probably should have had her check because I've been getting some intense cramps. I really think if I went for a walk the baby would pop out really soon.. even though I kinda want to do that, I also don't because my road test is the 12th and who knows if I'll be out of hospital by then. =\\\
I also gained almost another three pounds. Yes, I gained 3 pounds in a week.. Ugh. I weighed 164.8 >=\\ This baby better be huge but not too huge so that I have a hard time pushing him out... and I better lose like ten pounds as soon as he pops out. Hopefully at least 7 pounds of him (K was like 7.2 pounds when she was born), a few pounds of water crap and placenta.
Doctor said I have gained more weight with this baby than I did for Kailynn. 32 pounds for K, and 35 pounds for him so far. Blehhhhhh. It's strange I don't think I look like I'm bigger than I was for Kailynn.
She also told me that she had two girls give birth this last weekend and they went really fast, also I guess one was a boy and one was a girl. She barely made it on time to help deliver.. =| I hope she isn't late for mine.
Humm, I didn't have her look to see if I've dilated anymore.. She gave me the option.. and I rather not have her shoving her hand inside me if it's not needed. It really hurt when she did it.. probably because I haven't had sex in forever. Last week she did it because she had to do a strep test on me. Last week I was only like a finger tip dilated. I probably should have had her check because I've been getting some intense cramps. I really think if I went for a walk the baby would pop out really soon.. even though I kinda want to do that, I also don't because my road test is the 12th and who knows if I'll be out of hospital by then. =\\\
Monday, September 5, 2011
Same Old Thing
I was going to post this on notemine but since I wiped clean my laptop because it wouldn't work I don't have the document for all the color blocks I need. It's in my hard drive but I don't feel like going to get it.
I guess I will write more than just being depressed since I have more room.
I swear I probably wrote something similar to this like 3 other times.. =[[ I'm so lame.
I am kinda depressed. =[[ As usual. I really shouldn't have anymore kids. I get so depressed because I'm huge and Brad barely gives me any sexual attention. We haven't had sex for a few months now and I deffinitely don't expect any, any time soon because Brad is too afraid it's going to induce labor and he rather the baby be late than early. Plus you are not allowed to have sex, exercise, or use tampons for 6 weeks after you have a baby. You bleed a whole lot anyways so sex would be kinda disgusting but I am still craving sexual attention... He didn't even give me a kiss just now before he left to take Devin home.. which he usually does. =[[ That's like barely even sexual but at least I get a little something.
My body image definitely depresses me and just makes me want to become anorexic because I am pretty sure that is why Brad won't have sex with me.. and rather use porn. I hate that porn is getting way more attention than me. ='''[[ He watches it multiple times of the day so I know he craves sex too.. just not with me.
I almost hate myself because I blame myself for the way I appear. I don't feel the least bit pretty and I don't think I will feel pretty until I'm at least 120... currently I weight 162... =[[ It's the highest I've ever been and I don't see myself loosing that weight until the weather is back to being nice so that's even more depressing because I can't get rid of the weight as fast as I would like too... I wish I lived down south so I could go out running all year long... and not have to worry about the stupid snow.
I really do hate myself, I can't stop thinking about all the things I hate about myself. I have no confidence what so ever. I cry wayyyyyyy to much. I hate how easy it is for me to cry now and it's not only because of my pregnancy.
Like yesterday. I don't know why I ask stupid questions. We were watching Chuck & Larry the movie... Larry has a son that can do splits. I was sitting next to Brad indian style like and Brad started pushing my leg down to see how far I can go and he then told me that he told me how he would like it if I could do a split. Than the conversation turned into talking about flexibility. So stupid me asked if he had ever had sex with someone that was really flexible. Of course it just had to be Janelle and of course he had to go into more detail than I wanted. So I got upset.. Janelle just seems to be like his little sex goddess. Really flexible, likes to talk dirty and she and him had a threesome together..
She seems almost nothing like me and that makes me upset because I know he'd prefer that and if I wanted to satisfy him I'd have to change myself like hugely. I just want to be myself and be comfortable. =[[[ I definitely don't come close to any of the girls he watches in pornos.
I don't know what to do with myself.. I hate that I want to change myself just to satisfy him.. but it's the only way that I am going to be happy.. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!
I think losing weight will help a lot with my depression.. I don't know. At least maybe I can attract other guys and won't feel so worthless.
I guess I will write more than just being depressed since I have more room.
I swear I probably wrote something similar to this like 3 other times.. =[[ I'm so lame.
I am kinda depressed. =[[ As usual. I really shouldn't have anymore kids. I get so depressed because I'm huge and Brad barely gives me any sexual attention. We haven't had sex for a few months now and I deffinitely don't expect any, any time soon because Brad is too afraid it's going to induce labor and he rather the baby be late than early. Plus you are not allowed to have sex, exercise, or use tampons for 6 weeks after you have a baby. You bleed a whole lot anyways so sex would be kinda disgusting but I am still craving sexual attention... He didn't even give me a kiss just now before he left to take Devin home.. which he usually does. =[[ That's like barely even sexual but at least I get a little something.
My body image definitely depresses me and just makes me want to become anorexic because I am pretty sure that is why Brad won't have sex with me.. and rather use porn. I hate that porn is getting way more attention than me. ='''[[ He watches it multiple times of the day so I know he craves sex too.. just not with me.
I almost hate myself because I blame myself for the way I appear. I don't feel the least bit pretty and I don't think I will feel pretty until I'm at least 120... currently I weight 162... =[[ It's the highest I've ever been and I don't see myself loosing that weight until the weather is back to being nice so that's even more depressing because I can't get rid of the weight as fast as I would like too... I wish I lived down south so I could go out running all year long... and not have to worry about the stupid snow.
I really do hate myself, I can't stop thinking about all the things I hate about myself. I have no confidence what so ever. I cry wayyyyyyy to much. I hate how easy it is for me to cry now and it's not only because of my pregnancy.
Like yesterday. I don't know why I ask stupid questions. We were watching Chuck & Larry the movie... Larry has a son that can do splits. I was sitting next to Brad indian style like and Brad started pushing my leg down to see how far I can go and he then told me that he told me how he would like it if I could do a split. Than the conversation turned into talking about flexibility. So stupid me asked if he had ever had sex with someone that was really flexible. Of course it just had to be Janelle and of course he had to go into more detail than I wanted. So I got upset.. Janelle just seems to be like his little sex goddess. Really flexible, likes to talk dirty and she and him had a threesome together..
She seems almost nothing like me and that makes me upset because I know he'd prefer that and if I wanted to satisfy him I'd have to change myself like hugely. I just want to be myself and be comfortable. =[[[ I definitely don't come close to any of the girls he watches in pornos.
I don't know what to do with myself.. I hate that I want to change myself just to satisfy him.. but it's the only way that I am going to be happy.. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!
I think losing weight will help a lot with my depression.. I don't know. At least maybe I can attract other guys and won't feel so worthless.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Stressssssss x's a million.
Stressing about not being ready for baby and Brad is being an ass. =| Roar, I'm tired of it. If he had it his way we would only have one onesie for him.. that's the only item of clothing he's bought and he thinks that's perfectly fine. Luckily I was able to scrape some money to buy him a few things. =\\ Besides the onesie, he bought a car seat/stroller combo, a box of diapers, and a mattress.. That's it. We still have no blankets for him, no bed set, no mobile, no toys, no sheets, or a bed. We have a bassinet that we can use for a couple months.. We have bottles, a walker and a swing that he could use that we used for Kailynn but that's like it.. a handful of clothes and a couple things to use when he gets a bit older.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Recycle
I feel like a dork because I like to recycle. Plastics this week! <> I don't have the yellow bins they provided awhile ago but a few times I have taken a garbage full of recyclables to the curb and they took it. (I leave the bag open and away from the regular trash so it's obvious) I got kinda excited finding out I can recycle the diaper wipe tubs that I have a bunch of. Makes me feel better knowing I'm making some kind of difference. Recycling plastics just seem to me like I'm making a bigger difference than say recycling paper..
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
New Road Test
Did the five hour today and yesterday.. it was a lot better than the first time. =| That guy was a total jackass while this guy seemed really sweet and nice and he definitely didn't try to make us feel stupid. All he did was talk and he'd ask a few questions but people that had their hands up would answer.
But yes, I have another road test set for September 12 at 10 am. =| Which is really close to my due date on September 19th..
But yes, I have another road test set for September 12 at 10 am. =| Which is really close to my due date on September 19th..
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Month of Busyness
Like wholy poo I feel like I haven't sat down in forever. =\\
July 2nd Celebrated 4th of July with Brad's friends
July 4th Celebrated 4th of July with my family (including my aunt and cousins from Georgia) at Point Gratiot/ Lakewood for fireworks
July 6th Road test
July 8th Bonfire/smores with parents
July 9th Family reunion at Long Point State Park
Might be doing a photo shoot with Alyssa tomorrow..
July 11 & 12th I'll be doing my five hour again. Also have a doctors appointment on 12th.
July 23rd Brad's "brother's" wedding.
I'm exhausted..
July 2nd Celebrated 4th of July with Brad's friends
July 4th Celebrated 4th of July with my family (including my aunt and cousins from Georgia) at Point Gratiot/ Lakewood for fireworks
July 6th Road test
July 8th Bonfire/smores with parents
July 9th Family reunion at Long Point State Park
Might be doing a photo shoot with Alyssa tomorrow..
July 11 & 12th I'll be doing my five hour again. Also have a doctors appointment on 12th.
July 23rd Brad's "brother's" wedding.
I'm exhausted..
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Failed Road Test
='[[ I fail. How lame.. I should of just slowed down a bit, I was in a hurry I guess. I don't know. I got 40 points, to pass it can't be more than 30.. So I failed by 10 points.. =[[
Leaving Curb
- uses mirror only, fails to check blind spot 5 points
He said I did it really good and checked blind spot when I pulled out the first time but after that I just used my mirrors.. Gr.
So make sure I check blind spot when pulling out of parking spot.
Turning and Intersections
-Poor Judgement Approaching or at Intersections
Stopping 10 points
He said I didn't stop long enough to consider it a full stop at some of the stop signs..
So make sure I stay at the stop signs longer.
Parking, Backing & U-Turn
-Fails to Adequately Observe/ Use Caution 10 points
I think I got the 10 points here because I forgot to check blind spot before I did my K turn.
So make sure I check blind spot before I do K turn and maybe look behind me more, towards curb, not at the car when I'm doing parallel?
-Excessive Maneuvers in 3-point turn 5 points
Lame.. he had me do it near a drive way but he didn't want me to use the drive way so when I realised that if I tried doing it where he told me to do it I might go into drive way I tried going a little further down the road where there was no drive way.. he was mad that I didn't do it right there even though I did it perfectly. He was mean.. He was like I didn't want you to use the drive way but I wanted you to do it at drive way.. like wtf. >=\
Driving in Traffic
-When changing lanes fails to Observe 10 points
Really lame.. I didn't know I had to look in my mirror to check for drivers behind me when changing into a tiny little lane meant just for you to turn.. >=\ Like I would of obviously checked my mirror if it was an actual lane like in lakewood before trying to get on it but if it's just a tiny little thing I doubt anyone might go faster than me and cause any type of accident because I get on it too.
So make sure I look in my mirrors more often.. >=\
So Lameeeee, if I just stopped at the stop signs longer or just looked at my mirror when pulling into a turning lane I would of passed . Blehhhhhhh stupid little things cost so much points.. I wasn't even that nervous.. but he was a real jerk.. He didn't like me from the start when he found out I didn't have AC.
So looks like I'll be doing my 5 hour in frewsburg next week.. 11 & 12th.. (the same days my dad is having knee surgery) I am glad I didn't cancel my appointment after finding out I should be alright with my expired certificate. I figured I wouldn't just in case I didn't pass. If I did cancel it it'd probably take another couple months before I could do it. It's already probably going to be a couple months before I can take the test again. >=\ I tried setting up another road test already but I can't because I don't have my new 5 hour certificate number.
Leaving Curb
- uses mirror only, fails to check blind spot 5 points
He said I did it really good and checked blind spot when I pulled out the first time but after that I just used my mirrors.. Gr.
So make sure I check blind spot when pulling out of parking spot.
Turning and Intersections
-Poor Judgement Approaching or at Intersections
Stopping 10 points
He said I didn't stop long enough to consider it a full stop at some of the stop signs..
So make sure I stay at the stop signs longer.
Parking, Backing & U-Turn
-Fails to Adequately Observe/ Use Caution 10 points
I think I got the 10 points here because I forgot to check blind spot before I did my K turn.
So make sure I check blind spot before I do K turn and maybe look behind me more, towards curb, not at the car when I'm doing parallel?
-Excessive Maneuvers in 3-point turn 5 points
Lame.. he had me do it near a drive way but he didn't want me to use the drive way so when I realised that if I tried doing it where he told me to do it I might go into drive way I tried going a little further down the road where there was no drive way.. he was mad that I didn't do it right there even though I did it perfectly. He was mean.. He was like I didn't want you to use the drive way but I wanted you to do it at drive way.. like wtf. >=\
Driving in Traffic
-When changing lanes fails to Observe 10 points
Really lame.. I didn't know I had to look in my mirror to check for drivers behind me when changing into a tiny little lane meant just for you to turn.. >=\ Like I would of obviously checked my mirror if it was an actual lane like in lakewood before trying to get on it but if it's just a tiny little thing I doubt anyone might go faster than me and cause any type of accident because I get on it too.
So make sure I look in my mirrors more often.. >=\
So Lameeeee, if I just stopped at the stop signs longer or just looked at my mirror when pulling into a turning lane I would of passed . Blehhhhhhh stupid little things cost so much points.. I wasn't even that nervous.. but he was a real jerk.. He didn't like me from the start when he found out I didn't have AC.
So looks like I'll be doing my 5 hour in frewsburg next week.. 11 & 12th.. (the same days my dad is having knee surgery) I am glad I didn't cancel my appointment after finding out I should be alright with my expired certificate. I figured I wouldn't just in case I didn't pass. If I did cancel it it'd probably take another couple months before I could do it. It's already probably going to be a couple months before I can take the test again. >=\ I tried setting up another road test already but I can't because I don't have my new 5 hour certificate number.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Road Test
Tomorrow is my road test, I'm really nervous =\\\ and it might rain which makes it a little more lame.. 30% chance. hmm.
I'm still only worried about the parallel. =\\ Ughhh. I really hope I pass!
I really want to post on facebook about my road test being tomorrow but I know I probably shouldn't just in case I fail I won't feel too bad about failing because not everyone will know about it and askk. =\\ I plan on going out for ice cream with my dad or something if I pass. =] I really hope it doesn't rain. Ughh, I just thought of that... it's not really fun to get an ice cream if it's not even nice out.. I was thinking about going to Tasty Corner.. Mmm cotton candy ice cream is my fave. Now I'm hungry. So bye.
I'm still only worried about the parallel. =\\ Ughhh. I really hope I pass!
I really want to post on facebook about my road test being tomorrow but I know I probably shouldn't just in case I fail I won't feel too bad about failing because not everyone will know about it and askk. =\\ I plan on going out for ice cream with my dad or something if I pass. =] I really hope it doesn't rain. Ughh, I just thought of that... it's not really fun to get an ice cream if it's not even nice out.. I was thinking about going to Tasty Corner.. Mmm cotton candy ice cream is my fave. Now I'm hungry. So bye.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Porn
Hummm, I am upset currently but it's my own fault.. I was in a really good mood until I decided to look up if I should be upset because my husband watches porn.. I've been trying to ignore my feelings about it because I figured it's a healthy thing all guys do... But a lot of people seem to think it's bad and I don't know what to do now.. He already knows I don't like it and I don't think he has watched any in a couple days unless he watches it on his new cell phone.. =\\ He probably does because he's always babying that thing.. it's always in his pocket and I'm figuring that he doesn't want me to see something on it.. =[ I know there's playboy apps.
The only reason I have a problem with it is because it seems to be effecting our love life. He doesn't know that I know his password to his laptop.. and I've been secretly getting on to see if he's watched any porn... (I know I am a bad wife ='[[) he usually does it right before work while I am sleeping and when he is smoking pot cause he knows I don't want to be near it while pregnant. I've tried stopping it by waking up the same time he wakes up and have sex with him.. he says that we should do that more often but it doesn't seem like he ejaculates or anything so he probably isn't really enjoying it. In a video I watched the guy says something like it's a lazy form of sex.. and I believe that could be a big reason to him watching porn.. Also in another video about porn crap the guy said that a guy can get accustomed to a certain rhythm and pressure while masturbating that he won't be able to get the same feeling from vaginal intercourse with a girl so he won't get the same pleasure.. plus guys are so involved with visual stimulation that they can't really perform intimacy.
Sigh, I don't know what to do.. I guess I just need to try to catch him in the process again and talk to him about it.. =\\ Hopefully he'll try to stop or I might just have to leave him because it's really unfair to me.
The only reason I have a problem with it is because it seems to be effecting our love life. He doesn't know that I know his password to his laptop.. and I've been secretly getting on to see if he's watched any porn... (I know I am a bad wife ='[[) he usually does it right before work while I am sleeping and when he is smoking pot cause he knows I don't want to be near it while pregnant. I've tried stopping it by waking up the same time he wakes up and have sex with him.. he says that we should do that more often but it doesn't seem like he ejaculates or anything so he probably isn't really enjoying it. In a video I watched the guy says something like it's a lazy form of sex.. and I believe that could be a big reason to him watching porn.. Also in another video about porn crap the guy said that a guy can get accustomed to a certain rhythm and pressure while masturbating that he won't be able to get the same feeling from vaginal intercourse with a girl so he won't get the same pleasure.. plus guys are so involved with visual stimulation that they can't really perform intimacy.
Sigh, I don't know what to do.. I guess I just need to try to catch him in the process again and talk to him about it.. =\\ Hopefully he'll try to stop or I might just have to leave him because it's really unfair to me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Weddingness
Ohhh summer, how I love thee. I barely spend anytime on the computer anymore because of the weather being nice.
Any time I do spend on the computer I usually spend on this new site I found.. called Pinterest. I love it because you can organize like anything online that you like into what they called boards.. Right now it's invite only, probably because it's new.. luckily the way I found it was through a random blog I found and the post was recent so I got to comment on it and ask for an invite. =]] But anywaysss, I like to browse through other people's boards and some people post wedding things. Which has been making me thinking a lot about how I want to have my wedding. I'm kinda thinking I might want to have the ceremony kinda thing outside behind Brad's stepdad's house, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I want my bridemaids to be wearing dark gray (I don't think I want the dresses to be as dark as the dress in the picture), all the guys wear black including Devin and Alex, Me and Kailynn are the only ones allowed to wear white. The bouquets will be made up of Anemones, like the picture hasss. Yes, it'll be cute.
Well that's about it, I am tired..
Monday, June 6, 2011
I am Still Sick
Blehh, go away coughhhhhh. It gets worse when I try to sleep for some reason, I try to not cough so I don't disturb Brad or wake Kailynn but then my eyes water.
I've been going outside with Kailynn a lot lately since the weather has been nice. She's becoming more and more easier to control outside.. I'm pretty sure she knows not to go in the road now.. yesterday she didn't try to go out in the road.. she was actually really good outside yesterday... she didn't stray away from my parents yard that often. I loved it.
Oh and my mother showed her how to pick flowers.. they were buttercups. So cute, she was amazed and she kept shoving them up mine and mom's nose so we'd smell them. lol. I kept one that she gave me.. my very first flower from Kailynn <3
She's also getting really smart. It amazes me sometimes.. she'll pick up random words really fast.. like when I brought her outside and we went out front and walked past my car she said "carrrrr!" without me even saying anything. Than she found these wooden white duck yard decorations and I told her they were ducks and she said ducks like a million times. It was cute. She also tries to say butterfly when she notices the light butterflys my mom has out.
Yesterday I practiced parallels in front of my house, using my dad's truck as the front vehicle. I'm almost confident with those.. I really think if I was to get any points deducted on my test it would be because of my parallel, if even that.. like I said I think I'm pretty good. I just hope they don't try to make me do it in a real cramped spot. I'm pretty sure I know everything else I am supposed to do.. so the road test people better be nice and let me take it and pass me. Alyssa practiced with my dad's van.. She didn't think she could do it with my "boat" even though the van is obviously larger than my car. She just feels more comfortable with the van because my dad lets her drive it sometimes.. She really wanted to do it with her car but my dad didn't feel like charging it up or something.
My parents did more work to the house next door.. they rototilled the front garden like area and stained the wood on the porch/deck. They also just found out that the bathroom has been invaded by carpenter ants, they knew something was in there because they could hear movement, they thought it might be mice or something but my dad cut a whole in the ceiling and a bunch of ants fell out. So they are now trying to figure out to kill the queen ant wherever she is because I guess you can't get rid of them unless you kill her. If you just try to kill the ants you see she'll just pop out even more baby ants to replace them..
I've been going outside with Kailynn a lot lately since the weather has been nice. She's becoming more and more easier to control outside.. I'm pretty sure she knows not to go in the road now.. yesterday she didn't try to go out in the road.. she was actually really good outside yesterday... she didn't stray away from my parents yard that often. I loved it.
Oh and my mother showed her how to pick flowers.. they were buttercups. So cute, she was amazed and she kept shoving them up mine and mom's nose so we'd smell them. lol. I kept one that she gave me.. my very first flower from Kailynn <3
She's also getting really smart. It amazes me sometimes.. she'll pick up random words really fast.. like when I brought her outside and we went out front and walked past my car she said "carrrrr!" without me even saying anything. Than she found these wooden white duck yard decorations and I told her they were ducks and she said ducks like a million times. It was cute. She also tries to say butterfly when she notices the light butterflys my mom has out.
Yesterday I practiced parallels in front of my house, using my dad's truck as the front vehicle. I'm almost confident with those.. I really think if I was to get any points deducted on my test it would be because of my parallel, if even that.. like I said I think I'm pretty good. I just hope they don't try to make me do it in a real cramped spot. I'm pretty sure I know everything else I am supposed to do.. so the road test people better be nice and let me take it and pass me. Alyssa practiced with my dad's van.. She didn't think she could do it with my "boat" even though the van is obviously larger than my car. She just feels more comfortable with the van because my dad lets her drive it sometimes.. She really wanted to do it with her car but my dad didn't feel like charging it up or something.
My parents did more work to the house next door.. they rototilled the front garden like area and stained the wood on the porch/deck. They also just found out that the bathroom has been invaded by carpenter ants, they knew something was in there because they could hear movement, they thought it might be mice or something but my dad cut a whole in the ceiling and a bunch of ants fell out. So they are now trying to figure out to kill the queen ant wherever she is because I guess you can't get rid of them unless you kill her. If you just try to kill the ants you see she'll just pop out even more baby ants to replace them..
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Ouchhh
I'm beginning to think Alex doesn't really like me already. xD Ughh he keeps doing something on the right side of my tummy and it really hurtss. I can't even explain how it feels, it's just a kinda irritating pain. I keep poking him back hoping he'll stop doing whatever.. I guess it kinda feels like he is gnawing on the umbilical cord or something... lol.. or pulling on it like hes playing tug of war. >=\ I don't know.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Can't Stop Coughing
I've been kinda sick for the last few days.. my voice sounds funky and I cough a lot. Blehh.
I haven't really had anything interesting to say about my life lately because I haven't really done anything really interestingg. Humm.
This week went by really fast. I want to say a couple things that happened last weekend but I feel kinda dumb bringing it up like a week later. I will anyways because it was really fun and I'm thinking about posting picturess.
Well last weekend was memorial weekend, we went out to Cherry Creek to visit Brad's somewhat brother Brian.. (Brad's dad dated his mom) Oh and yay they (Brian and Cherilyn) are getting married next monthhhhhh and we are invited! =] I'm excited, I haven't been to a wedding since my parents. Back then I didn't really know what was going on but now I get to have an idea of what I am supposed to do for my own wedding.. like I really have no idea besides walking down the lane with my dad to Brad and repeat vows the dude says. Brad is kinda upset because Brian didn't ask him to be his best man and Brad's thinking about having him be his best man in our wedding. Anyways they weren't there.. and we waited for like an hour hoping they would come home but they didn't so we went back to Brad's step dad's place. (We dropped Devin off there because someone wanted to see him but they didn't even show up) We ended up staying there until it started storming.. we just had a fire started and it began to rain.
At like 4pm Brad's step dad's girlfriend invited me to go to visit her farm because she wanted to plant her tomatoes. We arrived at her place and she let me put her daughters rubber boots on because I was wearing my flip flops and her barn was really wet and pooey. She did like a little tour of her farm before we planted. I got to see all her animals... the only one I got to pet was a little goat named Marvin, he was extra friendly probably because he's a baby and Devin has been bottle feeding him. All their goats had horn issues, they tried to burn them off or something but they keep trying to grow back. The female cows and goats like surrounded us once we stopped moving because they thought they were going to get some treats or something, instead we just picked some of the grass off the ground and fed them. that was kinda neat. I kinda touched the head of one of the cows before it bolted away. It was the first time I was so close to cows with no beerier between me and the animal. I made sure I didn't get too close to them from the behind because I didn't want to get kicked or anything. All the animals pretty much free roam the farm (except in the fall season because I guess deer come out on the farm and the cows can get a disease), but they usually can go inside the barn whenever they want or go outside, the chickens and cats were allowed to go anywhere, the cows and goats obviously had a fence to keep them in one area. The mature male cows (there were three, a bull, and two others they plan on eating =[[ I can't remember the name for the bull but the other two were named DinDin and Quarter Pounder) were on the other side of the farm to keep them away from the baby cows and all the mature females.. the bull kept mooing because he wanted to pregnate the females again but they had just given birth so they need some time to recuperate. I really like her farm but I don't think I could ever do something like that myself. Just way too dirty.
We found like 5 eggs the chickens layed, since they free roam they pretty much lay them wherever there's a pile of hay. Some were in a wheel barrow and the others were in a corner of a stable. Her Rooster is freaken huge and he followed us around. I'm wondering if any of the things she planted are going to grow because after we got done some of her chickens like dug around them looking for worms to eat.
So yes, I took pictures of the animals and I'll probably post them up.
I haven't really had anything interesting to say about my life lately because I haven't really done anything really interestingg. Humm.
This week went by really fast. I want to say a couple things that happened last weekend but I feel kinda dumb bringing it up like a week later. I will anyways because it was really fun and I'm thinking about posting picturess.
Well last weekend was memorial weekend, we went out to Cherry Creek to visit Brad's somewhat brother Brian.. (Brad's dad dated his mom) Oh and yay they (Brian and Cherilyn) are getting married next monthhhhhh and we are invited! =] I'm excited, I haven't been to a wedding since my parents. Back then I didn't really know what was going on but now I get to have an idea of what I am supposed to do for my own wedding.. like I really have no idea besides walking down the lane with my dad to Brad and repeat vows the dude says. Brad is kinda upset because Brian didn't ask him to be his best man and Brad's thinking about having him be his best man in our wedding. Anyways they weren't there.. and we waited for like an hour hoping they would come home but they didn't so we went back to Brad's step dad's place. (We dropped Devin off there because someone wanted to see him but they didn't even show up) We ended up staying there until it started storming.. we just had a fire started and it began to rain.
At like 4pm Brad's step dad's girlfriend invited me to go to visit her farm because she wanted to plant her tomatoes. We arrived at her place and she let me put her daughters rubber boots on because I was wearing my flip flops and her barn was really wet and pooey. She did like a little tour of her farm before we planted. I got to see all her animals... the only one I got to pet was a little goat named Marvin, he was extra friendly probably because he's a baby and Devin has been bottle feeding him. All their goats had horn issues, they tried to burn them off or something but they keep trying to grow back. The female cows and goats like surrounded us once we stopped moving because they thought they were going to get some treats or something, instead we just picked some of the grass off the ground and fed them. that was kinda neat. I kinda touched the head of one of the cows before it bolted away. It was the first time I was so close to cows with no beerier between me and the animal. I made sure I didn't get too close to them from the behind because I didn't want to get kicked or anything. All the animals pretty much free roam the farm (except in the fall season because I guess deer come out on the farm and the cows can get a disease), but they usually can go inside the barn whenever they want or go outside, the chickens and cats were allowed to go anywhere, the cows and goats obviously had a fence to keep them in one area. The mature male cows (there were three, a bull, and two others they plan on eating =[[ I can't remember the name for the bull but the other two were named DinDin and Quarter Pounder) were on the other side of the farm to keep them away from the baby cows and all the mature females.. the bull kept mooing because he wanted to pregnate the females again but they had just given birth so they need some time to recuperate. I really like her farm but I don't think I could ever do something like that myself. Just way too dirty.
We found like 5 eggs the chickens layed, since they free roam they pretty much lay them wherever there's a pile of hay. Some were in a wheel barrow and the others were in a corner of a stable. Her Rooster is freaken huge and he followed us around. I'm wondering if any of the things she planted are going to grow because after we got done some of her chickens like dug around them looking for worms to eat.
So yes, I took pictures of the animals and I'll probably post them up.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Notemine 2007
- I wish you wouldn't talk to him so much. January 2
- I hate feeling left out, and not knowing what is going on. January 2
- Sometimes I wish I could move to somewhere completely new so I can re-invent myself. January 3
- I can't wait to get my computer fixed. January 4
- I like reading. It gives you the freedom to imagine. January 5
- My computer, it's alive again. Yay =] January 5
- Happy 6th Birthday Acayla! Your hugs, kisses, giggles and smiles make my day little one. <3 January 5
- 'Jenny, love me. I am lonely...' 'Ily2, Bird.' =| What' going on? Sigh January 6
- Madly in love. January 6
- I wish I knew what was going on in your head. Or even in mine. January 6
- Be kind to my heart & I'll love you forever. January 6
- You're all I ever wanted. January 6
- So far away for far too long. January 6
- Staying up alone, waiting.. Just so I can possibly talk to my lover. ='] January 7
- I didn't want to leave him, but I knew I'd have to get up early today. January 7
- I don't want to let you down. January 7
- I can't wait till Ally comes for Prom. xD -Squeal!!- January 7
- Yay, Going to the weight room today. I'm excited to exercise. January 8
- I can't stop thinking about him. January 8
- My legs are sore, but it'sworth it in the long run. January 8
- Jenny doesn't think you'll come. Prove her wrong.. Please? January 8
- Darn, I was hoping we'd get a snow day. I really don't feel like going to school. I hope Ally has been going. January 9
- Firefox 2 annoys me. January 9
- Every time I think about you I think about 'it'. January 9
- I hate being so disorganized. January 9
- Yay, 2 more hours to sleep. January 10
- I really need a hair cut, & a magazine. January 10
- I like my mid-back lengthed hair. =| January 10
- Jen is my hero. January 10
- I had a dream that I won a new computer. How lame is that. January 11
- I was looking forward to your singing. =[ January 11
- I love doing math. January 11
- Life is so unfair. January 11
- I'm hating everything right about now. January 12
- I'm going to miss Mr. McKenna. January 12
-'You cried when your mother gave you a trim..' I hope I don't cry. January 12
- I found an old thought I had written on a peice of paper. It made me cry, I just hope it never happens again. January 13
- Falling in love with someone in your dreams, someone you know you can't have, sucks. January 13
- I've never been so frustrated. Actually that is a lie. I've cried once. January 13
- I keep having zombie nightmares.. Maybe they will save me one day. January 14
- No.. << Jen ruins everything. January 14
- I'm in love with my hair. January 14
- For those five minutes, while I was laying there, all I could think about was you. January 14
- The smell of this hair gel is addictive. I can't stop sniffing it. January 14
- So that was the most amazingest video ever, with our non heads & bed humping. January 15
- We saved Jen's fish from the murky water. January 15
- I enjoy eating Jen's chips. & listening to her crunch on them. January 15
to be continued..
- I hate feeling left out, and not knowing what is going on. January 2
- Sometimes I wish I could move to somewhere completely new so I can re-invent myself. January 3
- I can't wait to get my computer fixed. January 4
- I like reading. It gives you the freedom to imagine. January 5
- My computer, it's alive again. Yay =] January 5
- Happy 6th Birthday Acayla! Your hugs, kisses, giggles and smiles make my day little one. <3 January 5
- 'Jenny, love me. I am lonely...' 'Ily2, Bird.' =| What' going on? Sigh January 6
- Madly in love. January 6
- I wish I knew what was going on in your head. Or even in mine. January 6
- Be kind to my heart & I'll love you forever. January 6
- You're all I ever wanted. January 6
- So far away for far too long. January 6
- Staying up alone, waiting.. Just so I can possibly talk to my lover. ='] January 7
- I didn't want to leave him, but I knew I'd have to get up early today. January 7
- I don't want to let you down. January 7
- I can't wait till Ally comes for Prom. xD -Squeal!!- January 7
- Yay, Going to the weight room today. I'm excited to exercise. January 8
- I can't stop thinking about him. January 8
- My legs are sore, but it'sworth it in the long run. January 8
- Jenny doesn't think you'll come. Prove her wrong.. Please? January 8
- Darn, I was hoping we'd get a snow day. I really don't feel like going to school. I hope Ally has been going. January 9
- Firefox 2 annoys me. January 9
- Every time I think about you I think about 'it'. January 9
- I hate being so disorganized. January 9
- Yay, 2 more hours to sleep. January 10
- I really need a hair cut, & a magazine. January 10
- I like my mid-back lengthed hair. =| January 10
- Jen is my hero. January 10
- I had a dream that I won a new computer. How lame is that. January 11
- I was looking forward to your singing. =[ January 11
- I love doing math. January 11
- Life is so unfair. January 11
- I'm hating everything right about now. January 12
- I'm going to miss Mr. McKenna. January 12
-'You cried when your mother gave you a trim..' I hope I don't cry. January 12
- I found an old thought I had written on a peice of paper. It made me cry, I just hope it never happens again. January 13
- Falling in love with someone in your dreams, someone you know you can't have, sucks. January 13
- I've never been so frustrated. Actually that is a lie. I've cried once. January 13
- I keep having zombie nightmares.. Maybe they will save me one day. January 14
- No.. << Jen ruins everything. January 14
- I'm in love with my hair. January 14
- For those five minutes, while I was laying there, all I could think about was you. January 14
- The smell of this hair gel is addictive. I can't stop sniffing it. January 14
- So that was the most amazingest video ever, with our non heads & bed humping. January 15
- We saved Jen's fish from the murky water. January 15
- I enjoy eating Jen's chips. & listening to her crunch on them. January 15
to be continued..
BT is backkk.
So I am probably going to annoy anyone who might read this because I am going to post all my thoughts on here because I don't trust the site anymore. This is probably going to take me forever.. hum. Oh well.
- I love him so much, I hope he's not cheating on me. ='[ <3 June 3rd 2006
- I miss him greatly. <3 June 3rd 2006
- Suicide, Sometimes.. I wish I could commit. June 3rd 2006
- Nevada <3 June 5th 2006
- I love my Jarhead. June 7th 2006
- I had a dream.. He was cheating on me. It was sad. I cried. It seemed so real. =[ June 11 2006
- <> I almost got arrested yesterday. June 14th 2006
- Aha, Last night was fun. June 15th 2006
- I cant wait to get this over with. Ughhh! =|
- I just want to kill myself right now. I hate this thing called life. A life that doesn't deserve to live. *crying* ='[ I hate my mom. June 15th 2006
- xD He still loves me. <3 June 21st 2006
- He gave me a flower. ='] July 8th 2006
- I hate being depressed. I dont want to cry anymore.. August 26th 2006
- I hope I don't have it. August 28th 2006
- Should I tell my love? August 29th 2006
- Playing Cards on Gaia with my lover. ='] He's so lovely. <3 Opuk <3 August 29th 2006
- Me and Ally actually talked to eachother on phone at Jens house, on Saturday.. For like 3 hours. It was lovely. September 11, 2006 Se
- <3 I hope he's not mad, cause his mom is making him pay the phone bill. Roar at long distance.. =[ September 11, 2006 S
- Alone & Cold =| September 12, 2006 S
- Im afraid of losing him. I love him so much. September 12, 2006
- I miss him. We haven't talked since Saturday =[ 4 days.. September 13th 2006
- WE GOT CABLE!! It's been so long. x'D September 13, 2006
- As soon as I got home I just felt like crying & did.. Lately I've been holding in my tears. Just trying to ignore my feelings and pretend I'm happy.. September 14, 2006
- I dont want to pretend anymore. September 16, 2006
- 9/22/06 Bonfire - 9/23/06 Homecoming Jen doesn't want to go =[ Wish Ally could. September 16, 2006
- I hate being sick. ROAR!! Where is Jen? September 16, 2006
- Roar at Cj. She better not of. I dont even know the dude... or know how to dance with someone.. I feel so lame. September 16, 2006
- No one ever thinks about their pets Oo I love my pets <3 Racy Sylvester Evil & Liberty September 17, 2006
- I still cant beleive I'm a Senior. School goes by way to fast. '07 September 17, 2006
- Where is everyone? ='[ I'm so bored. -sit&wait- & I miss my lover.. sighhhh September 17, 2006
- I dont want to go to school. =| September 18, 2006
- Aw I love my Homecoming dress. <3 It's red. And my mom keeps singing the 'Lady in red' song -.- September 18, 2006
- Where are you? Did you move in with her? Do you like her? These questions are gradually killing me.. Please come back to me. ='[ September 18, 2006
- I can't deal with life .........right now......... ...........Going............ to sleep September 19, 2006
-Homecoming will be interesting... I'm still roaring at CJ. ROAR!@#P% -.- September 20, 2006
- Americas Next Top Model. I'm addicted to this show <3 September 20, 2006
- Dont judge a book by its cover. The cover may be better then the actual story. September 21, 2006
- I dont want to go to the homecoming any more. I dont think anyone is going =[ September 21, 2006
- I love how my thoughts are randomly colored. September 21, 2006
- Today was lots of fun hanging with Ashley. Everyone was leaving once we got at the bonfire, they had just put it out early. -.- September 23, 2006
- It felt odd having Ashley drive me home. I have never ridden in a car with someone my age driving until today. I cant wait to get my license. <3 September 23, 2006
- 80 more days till my 18th birthday. <3 Woo! September 23, 2006
- I cried in every slow song. =[ September 24, 2006
- <|3 I feel so alone. September 25, 2006
- I think about committing suicide everyday. September 26, 2006
-Yup, I do beleive he likes her. <|3 Isn't that just lovely.. ='[ September 27, 2006
- All this college shit is overwhelming me. So many things to do in so little time and still I'm not 100% sure of what I want to do with my life. Roarr!@#$ September 28, 2006
- Today some random dude at school asked me if I was single.. xD September 29, 2006
- RANDOM THOUGHT: If I have children my goal is to be the best mommy/wife ever. September 30, 2006
- I dont want winter to come. I hate the snow and coldness it brings. I want to move south. With Ally of course.. September 30, 2006
- Winter coats annoy me. Especially when shopping. October 1 2006
- I dont feel worthy of his love. I'm so lame. I've never actually had a boyfriend & dont really know what the heck I'm doing or what I should be doing. =[ October 1 2006
- Aw he sent me a lovely song. -listen to it 598 times- x'D Yup, I'm in love. October 1 2006
- I'm so glad we talked last night. October 1 2006
- I dont think Ally knows I'm basically flat chested. October 1 2006
- Wo, How is it 11 already? Oo Where is Ally? =[ I need him. & I need to sleep. October 1 2006
- I hate my gym class. I dont talk to anyone there. I played basketball all by myself. At one point I twisted my foot trying to get the ball and now it really hurts. =[ October 2 2006
- I'm Running Out Of Thoughts.. & Colors. October 3 2006
- I Love Rain <3 October 4 2006
- Yeah so I think my house is haunted.. =[ Something just touched my hip twice and nothing was there...HELP? October 4 2006
- Why are my hands always cold? =[ October 5 2006
- What time is it Mr. Fox? October 6 2006
- Lets romp. October 6 2006
- I'm addicted to drinking water <3 October 7 2006
- I really beleive that I will fail in all my dreams. My dreams are the only things that are keeping me alive. October 7 2006
- I <3 The Lion King October 7 2006
- I wonder if anyone ever reads my thoughts. Or are lame as me and read their own thoughts a million times. xD October 7 2006
- Today my dad sold his '72 Chevy Chevelle for $1800. I feel bad for him. He had it since I was born and the only thing he has left to remember his friend. October 8, 2006
- My dad is the best dad on this planet. October 8, 2006
- I should listen to this type of high energy music more often. It's fun. I want to spend night at Jennys but Matt is being mean. But it'sK!! <3 I will live. I promise. October 8, 2006
- Really missing Ally right now. ='[ I wonder if he ever thinks about me.. October 9, 2006
- I wonder if he loves me as much as he says.. Or if it's just a big lie/joke. October 9, 2006
- He's probably getting drunk and sexing 209385 girls. =| Long distance love sucks. October 9, 2006
- I feel bad for taking my dads money. But he keeps offering me it in exchange for cleaning. =| October 9, 2006
- Telling myself not to cry isn't easy. I'm trying to stay positive. October 9, 2006
- Aw, My dad cried watching the movie Click <3 October 14, 2006
- I'm too emotional. October 14, 2006
- Chillen with Jen. Listening to AFI. Glorious.. <3 October 15 2006
- No Raviolios ='[ October 15, 2006
- I love shopping. October 15 2006
- About to scream. October 15 2006
- Green is my favorite color. October 15 2006
- I can't find my glasses. School will be interesting... Ughh October 16 2006
- I know that if I ever get married I'd stay 100% faithful and I'd fight to keep us together till the very end. October 16 2006
- Sometimes when you get upset or angry it seems like your taking it out on me. It's really unfair. October 16 2006
- I want my very own happily ever after ending. October 17, 2006
- I wonder why he doesn't come on anymore to talk to me. I wonder if he forgot all about me. ='[ October 17, 2006
- 1.. You make my dreams come true.. 2.. I just want to be with you.. 3.. It is plain to see that your the only one for me. October 17, 2006
- 10/17/06 Alyssa' 15th Birthday 10/18/06 Alaynies 9th Birthday Alaynie nearly made herself blind yesterday. Happy B-day October 18, 2006
- I will never eat a banana in public ever again. October 18, 2006
- I wish I knew what you were doing. Or even what your intentions are. October 18, 2006
- I dont want to be shy anymore. October 18, 2006
- I dont want to go ice skating today. October 19, 2006
- Haha, I said Atlantic Sea. xD Woops October 19, 2006
- Weee for downloading Firefox <3 I'm having too much fun making the box lines bigger scrolling on top of them x'D October 19, 2006
- Oh yes I'm pretty freaken great. PC was seriously dead and I think I fixed it. ='] I am brilliant if I do say so myself. Though I have no idea what I did. October 20, 2006
- I want a ring. October 21
- I'm scared of turning off my computer. October 21
- I need you here. October 21
- I dont know what to think anymore. October 21
- The glass is half empty, I need more water. October 21
- My bed is calling for me. October 22
- For once Ally was on today and my dad had to ruin it by coming in here. Sup privacy. Roarr. =[ October 22
- Please come back. October 22
- I think that if I wasn't a virgin, I'd be a sex addict. October 23
- Its not fun hanging out with people who are in a bad mood when your actually for once in a good mood. October 23
- Well that definitely made my day <3 October 24
- I wish I was as pretty as Ashley. October 24
- My knight in shining armour is about 2,400 miles away. October 24
- So tired.. About to fall over and sleep. October 25
-Went ice skating today.. & I didn't fall on my ass ='] October 25
- I hope Jenny isn't angry at me for leaving yesterday to sleep. I was tired and grouchy because of gym. October 26
- I wish I had 20/20 vision. October 26
- We do some weird things. I love it. <3 BBFAE October 26
- I felt special when he came to our table to talk to me and me only. They didn't expect that. October 26
- Sigh at things. ='[[[ At least I finished goal of 4k. October 26
- Well that was a strange dream.. October 27
- $26/500 For a new computer. This is going to take awhile. October 28
- Graduation Tassel: For such a small thing it symbolizes so many things. With so much meaning & memories behind it. For endings & new beginnings. October 28
- I tend to think before I speak, I think that is why I dont talk much. I dont want to say something stupid and have people mad at me. October 28
- 'Love is like war: easy to begin, hard to end.' October 29
- We were some hot ass toilet-paper fashion queens. <3 October 29
- Oh yes. Up so late and totally falling asleep in class tommorrow. Weee & about to shower with Jen. <3 October 30
- I dont know what to freaken wear. October 30
- 42 more days until my 18th Birthday. October 30
- My butterfly hairclip broke ='[ October 31
- I can't wait to have my own kids and take them out to go trick or treating.. November 1
- Next time my mom harms me or my younger siblings, I'll get her off them & run & if she has the cops come looking for me I'll tell them everything. ='[ November 1
- I need some chocolate to satisfy my hunger for love. November 2
- This whole gang war thing going on at school is kinda scary.. I wish they'd stop. November 2
- Anyone want a brownie? November 2
- I'm getting to the point that I just dont care anymore. About anything. November 4
- I hate people who abuse animals. What gives us humans the right to be so heartless & cruel to defenseless animals?? November 5
- She's too happy & hyperactive. I find her a bit annoying. November 6
- I feel like giving up. Some dreams just aren't meant to come true. November 8
- 'You're in my head morning, noon and night.' ='] Those words will be playing over & over in my head. November 8
- I love him, I truely do. I think he may be one of the few best things that has come into my life. I can't lose him. November 8
- Today has pretty much drained me from energy. And taking a nice warm shower just makes me want to sleep even more. November 9
- I wish I knew why he wanted my number. Or if he even knew my name. November 10
- I think I might start a color scheme. Should I? November 10
- It annoys me when people treat me like alittle child. Who don't take me seriously and just walk all over me. November 10
-O0o Why are bubbles round? Ooo November 11
- Boxed thought #100,008 =] November 11
- I want to tell him. But I'm afraid of his reaction. November 11
- Zombies are the scariest things ever. Being eaten alive by dead people.. creepy. =| November 11
- Saved up $68 dollars so far for my computer and I can't keep it. Stupid holidays. November 12
- My brother is playing with my lotions and light up heels. November 12
- I should really stop wasting time on the computer. I need to actually do something with my life. November 13
- One of my worst fears is getting fat. I have nothing against fat people I just dont want myself getting overweight. November 13
- He hates emos. I just hope he wont hate me when he finds out I'm semi-emo. November 14
- I'm so confused and scared. November 14
- I can't wait to move out. November 14
- With whatever I do I disappoint her or get her pissed. I can never make her happy or proud of me. Around her I feel like a dumbass. November 14
- My fingers smell like oranges. Mmm November 15
- I'm seeing another side of him. And I dont like it. November 15
- I wish I wasn't so clueless to what' going on. Is there something I should know? November 15
- Barely holding on. November 16
- I'm disappointed in myself. November 16
- I'm home alone? Weird.. November 16
- I was actually socializing with people today.. I felt alive. November 16
- Sometimes I wish I had done more things during my freshman, sophmore, & junior years. November 17
- I like the smell of gasoline, burning paper, and wet paint. Am I weird? November 17
- Slowly we are drifting a p a r t. November 18
- This weekend will be one of the best. November 18
- As always, I'm running late. ROAR!@#&(%P@! November 18
- I can't think, I'm coloring carebears. November 19
- Jen is the greatest friend anyone could ever have <3 November 19
- Sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind. November 20
- I'm proud to be in the school I attend, the city I was born in, and the country I belong to. Even if they have their defaults. November 21
- Senior Skip Day & I'm at school.. November 21
- I'm dirt poor. November 22
- TOP SECRET: Shshsh!! I want to take part in some rough sex, like right now. Roar. November 23
- ='[ My parents think my little brother has Cancer. He has 2 hard, strange bumps on his neck.. There going to take him to the hospital to get checked after dinner. November 24
- I never have money for Black Friday shopping. November 24
- My kitty snores. November 25
- I hate how my mom is so racist and judgemental. November 25
- Humans should be more like Penguins. November 25
- About to pee myself because my family are a bunch of assholes and locked me in the basement... November 26
- 18th Birthday Count Down: 15 days, 9 hours, 56 minutes, & 30 seconds. November 26
- There' no better place to sleep then in your own bed. November 26
- When I watch couples on tv doing cute things I imagine us doing them. November 26
- Get better little Sunshine. November 27
- Mmm.. Gummy bears. November 28
- Sometimes when I cross a street I wish that there would be a car I didn't see run over me. November 28
- I am bad luck to myself. I burnt my finger =[ November 29
- I'm sick of being my parents slave. November 29
- I have a presentation today. I hate talking in front of people.. I'm shaking right now just thinking about it. =[ November 30
- Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. November 30
- I'm pathetic. November 30
- Patiently waiting for you to come back to me. December 1
- Hiccups are so annoying. December 1
- Thanks for ditching me. December 1
- I waited for you for 18 minutes. =| Saw you with her and then left. December 1
- I wish I had a crystal ball to see what my future witholds. Is it worth living for? December 2
- My sister is evil. December 3
- I feel as if I'm forgotten by the one I love most. December 3
- I wonder if he'll remember my birthday. December 3
- Yay for two hour delays. December 4
- I don't think I can do this anymore. December 4
- I feel like a complete idiot thinking he cared. He must not care that much about me if he doesn't make any attempt to talk to me. Sigh. December 4
- Crying helps me release everything that hurts. I cried but now I'm okay. If he doesn't care nor do I. December 4
- I like to cry in bed. December 5
- My kitty likes to steal my chair. December 5
- It's weird how like everything about someone and what makes them who they are can be 'cured' with medication. December 5
- The only good thing that comes from snow is snow days & making naked trees look pretty. December 5
- Guys in uniforms are hot. December 5
- I hope it's not too late. December 6
- All I'm thinking about is trying to think of something to put in this thought box. Oo December 6
- I wish I could stay in bed forever. December 7
- I think that if I really wanted to commit suicide I'd join the army. I'd rather die for my country then just kill myself senselessly. December 7
- I feel like I live in a snowglobe.December 7
- Do you care for what's on my mind? December 8
- I pretend that I'm interested in this boring class so I wont fall asleep. December 8
- I think we both know this isn't going to work. December 8
- I think if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. December 9
- 'I do understand, don't worry.' 'I'll wait until you're ready' You don't know how much those words mean to me. December 9
- We can be hopeless romantics together. December 9
- I wish I could shower with Ally. December 9
- Movie night with Jen. And fag dancing on cam with suffocation. December 9
- I can't think, I'm coloring Hello Kitty. December 10
- Jen won't let me sleep. December 10
- I never noticed how much my younger siblings have impacted my life and how much I've impacted theirs. I will miss them when I move away. December 11
- Some of my thoughts are contradicting. December 11
- Aw, Our chemistry class pet, rat thing died. =[ December 11
- I'm going to be sad if Ashley doesn't decorate my locker for my birthday. December 11
- My birthday is tommorrow. December 11
- Happy Birthday To Me! December 12
- I got a dozen pink roses for my birthday ='] Now I have to bring them to all my classes. December 12
- Ashley better like her locker tommorrow because I spent all my birthday money for it & I missed my call from Ally =[ And Alyssa killed my computer. December 13
- I'm getting so frustrated with school.. So many projects to do. I'm going insane. & I feel like crying. December 13
- I blew out all 18 candles.. Now I'm just waiting for my wish to come true. December 14
- I enjoy talking to him on the phone. December 15
- I'm lost without my computer =[ December 15
- Yay, I finally got it to work.. December 18
- Our Christmas Tree looks like a huge, fat Hershey Kiss. December 18
-I wish he loved me as much as I love him. December 18
-WARNING: This Tag must be Removed by the Store. Injury from permanent ink & Glass will result if forced off -.- American Eagle -.- fuckers forgot to take security tag off.. December 18
- I love feeling pretty. December 19
- I love new clothes. December 19
- I need constant reasurrance. December 19
- 'What' up beautiful?' I never thought I would hear that from him Oo.. I needed that boost of confidence, thanks. December 20
- I hate my life. December 20
- We are having some serious Global Warming & it scares me. Where are you dumb snow? December 21
- I think we'll be having a green Christmas this year, here in New York... December 21
- Went to the Library with Jen for independent reading. I think I will enjoy this book. Bad Kitty
by Michele Jaffe. December 21
- Bringing Frosted Animal Cookies for Christmas Party in Economics. Everyone will love them.
- Woo for free stuff. December 22
- My kitty is resting on my arm. I hope she's okay. She can't jump well. I don't know if she's just too fat and lazy, pregnant or hurting. December 22
- This tunnel has no light at the end. It only gets darker. December 22
- No one needs me. I have no reason to live. December 22
- Where are you Ally? December 23
- I'm starting to dislike holidays more and more. They cause too many troubles. December 23
- I miss being a child & believing in Santa. I miss the exciting, magical, cheerful, mysterious feeling. December 24
- I suck at gift wrapping... December 24
- At least we got frost. I think that not having snow ruined Christmas spirit. Merry Christmas! December 25
- 'You're mean for making me hurry my pee-ness' LOL, Woops. December 26
- Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to be the next you take. December 27
- I'm a failure. December 27
- Help me escape my hell. December 27
- Nothing good lasts. December 28
- He makes all my worries go away. December 28
- My mom said my legs are getting thick. I must run. December 28
- I love my fuzzy green slippers. December 28
- Aslan is a lovely looking lion. December 29
- I can't sleep, Ally is here. December 29
- I am so dead and I am still awake trying to speak to my lover, though I am barely able to stay alive. December 29
- Yay Ally, I'm in love. December 29
- Ally left us and I am sad. December 29
- Just hearing his voice makes me smile. December 29
- I can't wait to have children & be a mommy. December 30
- Should I be worried? December 30
- All I want is to be in your arms. December 30
- My computer hates me. December 31
- I love him so much, I hope he's not cheating on me. ='[ <3 June 3rd 2006
- I miss him greatly. <3 June 3rd 2006
- Suicide, Sometimes.. I wish I could commit. June 3rd 2006
- Nevada <3 June 5th 2006
- I love my Jarhead. June 7th 2006
- I had a dream.. He was cheating on me. It was sad. I cried. It seemed so real. =[ June 11 2006
- <> I almost got arrested yesterday. June 14th 2006
- Aha, Last night was fun. June 15th 2006
- I cant wait to get this over with. Ughhh! =|
- I just want to kill myself right now. I hate this thing called life. A life that doesn't deserve to live. *crying* ='[ I hate my mom. June 15th 2006
- xD He still loves me. <3 June 21st 2006
- He gave me a flower. ='] July 8th 2006
- I hate being depressed. I dont want to cry anymore.. August 26th 2006
- I hope I don't have it. August 28th 2006
- Should I tell my love? August 29th 2006
- Playing Cards on Gaia with my lover. ='] He's so lovely. <3 Opuk <3 August 29th 2006
- Me and Ally actually talked to eachother on phone at Jens house, on Saturday.. For like 3 hours. It was lovely. September 11, 2006 Se
- <3 I hope he's not mad, cause his mom is making him pay the phone bill. Roar at long distance.. =[ September 11, 2006 S
- Alone & Cold =| September 12, 2006 S
- Im afraid of losing him. I love him so much. September 12, 2006
- I miss him. We haven't talked since Saturday =[ 4 days.. September 13th 2006
- WE GOT CABLE!! It's been so long. x'D September 13, 2006
- As soon as I got home I just felt like crying & did.. Lately I've been holding in my tears. Just trying to ignore my feelings and pretend I'm happy.. September 14, 2006
- I dont want to pretend anymore. September 16, 2006
- 9/22/06 Bonfire - 9/23/06 Homecoming Jen doesn't want to go =[ Wish Ally could. September 16, 2006
- I hate being sick. ROAR!! Where is Jen? September 16, 2006
- Roar at Cj. She better not of. I dont even know the dude... or know how to dance with someone.. I feel so lame. September 16, 2006
- No one ever thinks about their pets Oo I love my pets <3 Racy Sylvester Evil & Liberty September 17, 2006
- I still cant beleive I'm a Senior. School goes by way to fast. '07 September 17, 2006
- Where is everyone? ='[ I'm so bored. -sit&wait- & I miss my lover.. sighhhh September 17, 2006
- I dont want to go to school. =| September 18, 2006
- Aw I love my Homecoming dress. <3 It's red. And my mom keeps singing the 'Lady in red' song -.- September 18, 2006
- Where are you? Did you move in with her? Do you like her? These questions are gradually killing me.. Please come back to me. ='[ September 18, 2006
- I can't deal with life .........right now......... ...........Going............ to sleep September 19, 2006
-Homecoming will be interesting... I'm still roaring at CJ. ROAR!@#P% -.- September 20, 2006
- Americas Next Top Model. I'm addicted to this show <3 September 20, 2006
- Dont judge a book by its cover. The cover may be better then the actual story. September 21, 2006
- I dont want to go to the homecoming any more. I dont think anyone is going =[ September 21, 2006
- I love how my thoughts are randomly colored. September 21, 2006
- Today was lots of fun hanging with Ashley. Everyone was leaving once we got at the bonfire, they had just put it out early. -.- September 23, 2006
- It felt odd having Ashley drive me home. I have never ridden in a car with someone my age driving until today. I cant wait to get my license. <3 September 23, 2006
- 80 more days till my 18th birthday. <3 Woo! September 23, 2006
- I cried in every slow song. =[ September 24, 2006
- <|3 I feel so alone. September 25, 2006
- I think about committing suicide everyday. September 26, 2006
-Yup, I do beleive he likes her. <|3 Isn't that just lovely.. ='[ September 27, 2006
- All this college shit is overwhelming me. So many things to do in so little time and still I'm not 100% sure of what I want to do with my life. Roarr!@#$ September 28, 2006
- Today some random dude at school asked me if I was single.. xD September 29, 2006
- RANDOM THOUGHT: If I have children my goal is to be the best mommy/wife ever. September 30, 2006
- I dont want winter to come. I hate the snow and coldness it brings. I want to move south. With Ally of course.. September 30, 2006
- Winter coats annoy me. Especially when shopping. October 1 2006
- I dont feel worthy of his love. I'm so lame. I've never actually had a boyfriend & dont really know what the heck I'm doing or what I should be doing. =[ October 1 2006
- Aw he sent me a lovely song. -listen to it 598 times- x'D Yup, I'm in love. October 1 2006
- I'm so glad we talked last night. October 1 2006
- I dont think Ally knows I'm basically flat chested. October 1 2006
- Wo, How is it 11 already? Oo Where is Ally? =[ I need him. & I need to sleep. October 1 2006
- I hate my gym class. I dont talk to anyone there. I played basketball all by myself. At one point I twisted my foot trying to get the ball and now it really hurts. =[ October 2 2006
- I'm Running Out Of Thoughts.. & Colors. October 3 2006
- I Love Rain <3 October 4 2006
- Yeah so I think my house is haunted.. =[ Something just touched my hip twice and nothing was there...HELP? October 4 2006
- Why are my hands always cold? =[ October 5 2006
- What time is it Mr. Fox? October 6 2006
- Lets romp. October 6 2006
- I'm addicted to drinking water <3 October 7 2006
- I really beleive that I will fail in all my dreams. My dreams are the only things that are keeping me alive. October 7 2006
- I <3 The Lion King October 7 2006
- I wonder if anyone ever reads my thoughts. Or are lame as me and read their own thoughts a million times. xD October 7 2006
- Today my dad sold his '72 Chevy Chevelle for $1800. I feel bad for him. He had it since I was born and the only thing he has left to remember his friend. October 8, 2006
- My dad is the best dad on this planet. October 8, 2006
- I should listen to this type of high energy music more often. It's fun. I want to spend night at Jennys but Matt is being mean. But it'sK!! <3 I will live. I promise. October 8, 2006
- Really missing Ally right now. ='[ I wonder if he ever thinks about me.. October 9, 2006
- I wonder if he loves me as much as he says.. Or if it's just a big lie/joke. October 9, 2006
- He's probably getting drunk and sexing 209385 girls. =| Long distance love sucks. October 9, 2006
- I feel bad for taking my dads money. But he keeps offering me it in exchange for cleaning. =| October 9, 2006
- Telling myself not to cry isn't easy. I'm trying to stay positive. October 9, 2006
- Aw, My dad cried watching the movie Click <3 October 14, 2006
- I'm too emotional. October 14, 2006
- Chillen with Jen. Listening to AFI. Glorious.. <3 October 15 2006
- No Raviolios ='[ October 15, 2006
- I love shopping. October 15 2006
- About to scream. October 15 2006
- Green is my favorite color. October 15 2006
- I can't find my glasses. School will be interesting... Ughh October 16 2006
- I know that if I ever get married I'd stay 100% faithful and I'd fight to keep us together till the very end. October 16 2006
- Sometimes when you get upset or angry it seems like your taking it out on me. It's really unfair. October 16 2006
- I want my very own happily ever after ending. October 17, 2006
- I wonder why he doesn't come on anymore to talk to me. I wonder if he forgot all about me. ='[ October 17, 2006
- 1.. You make my dreams come true.. 2.. I just want to be with you.. 3.. It is plain to see that your the only one for me. October 17, 2006
- 10/17/06 Alyssa' 15th Birthday 10/18/06 Alaynies 9th Birthday Alaynie nearly made herself blind yesterday. Happy B-day October 18, 2006
- I will never eat a banana in public ever again. October 18, 2006
- I wish I knew what you were doing. Or even what your intentions are. October 18, 2006
- I dont want to be shy anymore. October 18, 2006
- I dont want to go ice skating today. October 19, 2006
- Haha, I said Atlantic Sea. xD Woops October 19, 2006
- Weee for downloading Firefox <3 I'm having too much fun making the box lines bigger scrolling on top of them x'D October 19, 2006
- Oh yes I'm pretty freaken great. PC was seriously dead and I think I fixed it. ='] I am brilliant if I do say so myself. Though I have no idea what I did. October 20, 2006
- I want a ring. October 21
- I'm scared of turning off my computer. October 21
- I need you here. October 21
- I dont know what to think anymore. October 21
- The glass is half empty, I need more water. October 21
- My bed is calling for me. October 22
- For once Ally was on today and my dad had to ruin it by coming in here. Sup privacy. Roarr. =[ October 22
- Please come back. October 22
- I think that if I wasn't a virgin, I'd be a sex addict. October 23
- Its not fun hanging out with people who are in a bad mood when your actually for once in a good mood. October 23
- Well that definitely made my day <3 October 24
- I wish I was as pretty as Ashley. October 24
- My knight in shining armour is about 2,400 miles away. October 24
- So tired.. About to fall over and sleep. October 25
-Went ice skating today.. & I didn't fall on my ass ='] October 25
- I hope Jenny isn't angry at me for leaving yesterday to sleep. I was tired and grouchy because of gym. October 26
- I wish I had 20/20 vision. October 26
- We do some weird things. I love it. <3 BBFAE October 26
- I felt special when he came to our table to talk to me and me only. They didn't expect that. October 26
- Sigh at things. ='[[[ At least I finished goal of 4k. October 26
- Well that was a strange dream.. October 27
- $26/500 For a new computer. This is going to take awhile. October 28
- Graduation Tassel: For such a small thing it symbolizes so many things. With so much meaning & memories behind it. For endings & new beginnings. October 28
- I tend to think before I speak, I think that is why I dont talk much. I dont want to say something stupid and have people mad at me. October 28
- 'Love is like war: easy to begin, hard to end.' October 29
- We were some hot ass toilet-paper fashion queens. <3 October 29
- Oh yes. Up so late and totally falling asleep in class tommorrow. Weee & about to shower with Jen. <3 October 30
- I dont know what to freaken wear. October 30
- 42 more days until my 18th Birthday. October 30
- My butterfly hairclip broke ='[ October 31
- I can't wait to have my own kids and take them out to go trick or treating.. November 1
- Next time my mom harms me or my younger siblings, I'll get her off them & run & if she has the cops come looking for me I'll tell them everything. ='[ November 1
- I need some chocolate to satisfy my hunger for love. November 2
- This whole gang war thing going on at school is kinda scary.. I wish they'd stop. November 2
- Anyone want a brownie? November 2
- I'm getting to the point that I just dont care anymore. About anything. November 4
- I hate people who abuse animals. What gives us humans the right to be so heartless & cruel to defenseless animals?? November 5
- She's too happy & hyperactive. I find her a bit annoying. November 6
- I feel like giving up. Some dreams just aren't meant to come true. November 8
- 'You're in my head morning, noon and night.' ='] Those words will be playing over & over in my head. November 8
- I love him, I truely do. I think he may be one of the few best things that has come into my life. I can't lose him. November 8
- Today has pretty much drained me from energy. And taking a nice warm shower just makes me want to sleep even more. November 9
- I wish I knew why he wanted my number. Or if he even knew my name. November 10
- I think I might start a color scheme. Should I? November 10
- It annoys me when people treat me like alittle child. Who don't take me seriously and just walk all over me. November 10
-O0o Why are bubbles round? Ooo November 11
- Boxed thought #100,008 =] November 11
- I want to tell him. But I'm afraid of his reaction. November 11
- Zombies are the scariest things ever. Being eaten alive by dead people.. creepy. =| November 11
- Saved up $68 dollars so far for my computer and I can't keep it. Stupid holidays. November 12
- My brother is playing with my lotions and light up heels. November 12
- I should really stop wasting time on the computer. I need to actually do something with my life. November 13
- One of my worst fears is getting fat. I have nothing against fat people I just dont want myself getting overweight. November 13
- He hates emos. I just hope he wont hate me when he finds out I'm semi-emo. November 14
- I'm so confused and scared. November 14
- I can't wait to move out. November 14
- With whatever I do I disappoint her or get her pissed. I can never make her happy or proud of me. Around her I feel like a dumbass. November 14
- My fingers smell like oranges. Mmm November 15
- I'm seeing another side of him. And I dont like it. November 15
- I wish I wasn't so clueless to what' going on. Is there something I should know? November 15
- Barely holding on. November 16
- I'm disappointed in myself. November 16
- I'm home alone? Weird.. November 16
- I was actually socializing with people today.. I felt alive. November 16
- Sometimes I wish I had done more things during my freshman, sophmore, & junior years. November 17
- I like the smell of gasoline, burning paper, and wet paint. Am I weird? November 17
- Slowly we are drifting a p a r t. November 18
- This weekend will be one of the best. November 18
- As always, I'm running late. ROAR!@#&(%P@! November 18
- I can't think, I'm coloring carebears. November 19
- Jen is the greatest friend anyone could ever have <3 November 19
- Sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind. November 20
- I'm proud to be in the school I attend, the city I was born in, and the country I belong to. Even if they have their defaults. November 21
- Senior Skip Day & I'm at school.. November 21
- I'm dirt poor. November 22
- TOP SECRET: Shshsh!! I want to take part in some rough sex, like right now. Roar. November 23
- ='[ My parents think my little brother has Cancer. He has 2 hard, strange bumps on his neck.. There going to take him to the hospital to get checked after dinner. November 24
- I never have money for Black Friday shopping. November 24
- My kitty snores. November 25
- I hate how my mom is so racist and judgemental. November 25
- Humans should be more like Penguins. November 25
- About to pee myself because my family are a bunch of assholes and locked me in the basement... November 26
- 18th Birthday Count Down: 15 days, 9 hours, 56 minutes, & 30 seconds. November 26
- There' no better place to sleep then in your own bed. November 26
- When I watch couples on tv doing cute things I imagine us doing them. November 26
- Get better little Sunshine. November 27
- Mmm.. Gummy bears. November 28
- Sometimes when I cross a street I wish that there would be a car I didn't see run over me. November 28
- I am bad luck to myself. I burnt my finger =[ November 29
- I'm sick of being my parents slave. November 29
- I have a presentation today. I hate talking in front of people.. I'm shaking right now just thinking about it. =[ November 30
- Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. November 30
- I'm pathetic. November 30
- Patiently waiting for you to come back to me. December 1
- Hiccups are so annoying. December 1
- Thanks for ditching me. December 1
- I waited for you for 18 minutes. =| Saw you with her and then left. December 1
- I wish I had a crystal ball to see what my future witholds. Is it worth living for? December 2
- My sister is evil. December 3
- I feel as if I'm forgotten by the one I love most. December 3
- I wonder if he'll remember my birthday. December 3
- Yay for two hour delays. December 4
- I don't think I can do this anymore. December 4
- I feel like a complete idiot thinking he cared. He must not care that much about me if he doesn't make any attempt to talk to me. Sigh. December 4
- Crying helps me release everything that hurts. I cried but now I'm okay. If he doesn't care nor do I. December 4
- I like to cry in bed. December 5
- My kitty likes to steal my chair. December 5
- It's weird how like everything about someone and what makes them who they are can be 'cured' with medication. December 5
- The only good thing that comes from snow is snow days & making naked trees look pretty. December 5
- Guys in uniforms are hot. December 5
- I hope it's not too late. December 6
- All I'm thinking about is trying to think of something to put in this thought box. Oo December 6
- I wish I could stay in bed forever. December 7
- I think that if I really wanted to commit suicide I'd join the army. I'd rather die for my country then just kill myself senselessly. December 7
- I feel like I live in a snowglobe.December 7
- Do you care for what's on my mind? December 8
- I pretend that I'm interested in this boring class so I wont fall asleep. December 8
- I think we both know this isn't going to work. December 8
- I think if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. December 9
- 'I do understand, don't worry.' 'I'll wait until you're ready' You don't know how much those words mean to me. December 9
- We can be hopeless romantics together. December 9
- I wish I could shower with Ally. December 9
- Movie night with Jen. And fag dancing on cam with suffocation. December 9
- I can't think, I'm coloring Hello Kitty. December 10
- Jen won't let me sleep. December 10
- I never noticed how much my younger siblings have impacted my life and how much I've impacted theirs. I will miss them when I move away. December 11
- Some of my thoughts are contradicting. December 11
- Aw, Our chemistry class pet, rat thing died. =[ December 11
- I'm going to be sad if Ashley doesn't decorate my locker for my birthday. December 11
- My birthday is tommorrow. December 11
- Happy Birthday To Me! December 12
- I got a dozen pink roses for my birthday ='] Now I have to bring them to all my classes. December 12
- Ashley better like her locker tommorrow because I spent all my birthday money for it & I missed my call from Ally =[ And Alyssa killed my computer. December 13
- I'm getting so frustrated with school.. So many projects to do. I'm going insane. & I feel like crying. December 13
- I blew out all 18 candles.. Now I'm just waiting for my wish to come true. December 14
- I enjoy talking to him on the phone. December 15
- I'm lost without my computer =[ December 15
- Yay, I finally got it to work.. December 18
- Our Christmas Tree looks like a huge, fat Hershey Kiss. December 18
-I wish he loved me as much as I love him. December 18
-WARNING: This Tag must be Removed by the Store. Injury from permanent ink & Glass will result if forced off -.- American Eagle -.- fuckers forgot to take security tag off.. December 18
- I love feeling pretty. December 19
- I love new clothes. December 19
- I need constant reasurrance. December 19
- 'What' up beautiful?' I never thought I would hear that from him Oo.. I needed that boost of confidence, thanks. December 20
- I hate my life. December 20
- We are having some serious Global Warming & it scares me. Where are you dumb snow? December 21
- I think we'll be having a green Christmas this year, here in New York... December 21
- Went to the Library with Jen for independent reading. I think I will enjoy this book. Bad Kitty
by Michele Jaffe. December 21
- Bringing Frosted Animal Cookies for Christmas Party in Economics. Everyone will love them.
- Woo for free stuff. December 22
- My kitty is resting on my arm. I hope she's okay. She can't jump well. I don't know if she's just too fat and lazy, pregnant or hurting. December 22
- This tunnel has no light at the end. It only gets darker. December 22
- No one needs me. I have no reason to live. December 22
- Where are you Ally? December 23
- I'm starting to dislike holidays more and more. They cause too many troubles. December 23
- I miss being a child & believing in Santa. I miss the exciting, magical, cheerful, mysterious feeling. December 24
- I suck at gift wrapping... December 24
- At least we got frost. I think that not having snow ruined Christmas spirit. Merry Christmas! December 25
- 'You're mean for making me hurry my pee-ness' LOL, Woops. December 26
- Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to be the next you take. December 27
- I'm a failure. December 27
- Help me escape my hell. December 27
- Nothing good lasts. December 28
- He makes all my worries go away. December 28
- My mom said my legs are getting thick. I must run. December 28
- I love my fuzzy green slippers. December 28
- Aslan is a lovely looking lion. December 29
- I can't sleep, Ally is here. December 29
- I am so dead and I am still awake trying to speak to my lover, though I am barely able to stay alive. December 29
- Yay Ally, I'm in love. December 29
- Ally left us and I am sad. December 29
- Just hearing his voice makes me smile. December 29
- I can't wait to have children & be a mommy. December 30
- Should I be worried? December 30
- All I want is to be in your arms. December 30
- My computer hates me. December 31
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